Then You Are Gone

t w e n t y - t w o

JANUARY 7, 2017

05: 34 PM

my loneliness is killing me. i must confess i still believe. when i'm not with you, i lose my mind. give me a sign. hit me baby one more time.

i'm so bored i just watched dozens of britney spears performance videos on youtube.

i remember the times when our favourite song was toxic and we would dance like idiots whenever your mom plays on the radio.

i forgot to tell you. my father, he went to washington around january 4. our house has been really quiet ever since and it's driving me insane. i don't know what's worse. living in the house together with my father or living in a house without my father.

05: 56 PM

i want to go to paris' house, but he's spending the week with his father in new jersey.

06: 11 PM

i want to visit you but your mom is probably there. i don't like seeing her anymore. she makes me miss my mom a little more than i can handle.

07: 52 PM

just drove by your house. i left the charmander plush in your room. my journals, too. please check it someday.

08: 08 PM

found vodka from dad's shelf. cheers.

i wish i'll stop lying when people ask me if i'm okay. i should have been honest with your mom when she asked me if i'm okay, because honestly? i'm not. i don't know how to tell her that, though, or to anyone, really. i wanna ask people for help, but i don't wanna burden them. it's a rule of mine-never drag anyone into my own shit. i don't wanna make them aware of everything because that means i'm gonna put weight on their shoulder, put worry on their eyes, and put caution on their actions.

10: 45 PM

i just realized it's been years since someone gave me tight hug. i don't know how it feels like anymore.

10: 46 PM

i don't know what lies ahead of me. i don't know if i'll be going to college this year. i'll probably take a gap year, spend it figuring out what to do, maybe get a job? i don't know. i can't imagine myself living past 18.

it's sad to think that after graduation, i'm pretty sure i'll never see paris again. maybe a conversation once a week, and it will dwindle down until he has new better friends and enjoying life.

10: 53 PM

i miss everyone so mmuch.

i think when people leaave you over and over and over again, it just gets to you, don't yu think? i've always assured myself tht i can get through this life alone, but sometimes life wears you down and your heart craves for a shoulder to cry on, for someone to lean on. i just want someone permanent in my life. i want to haave long, deep conversations with someone. i want someone to show me even just a little bit of love so i might believe that life is really worth living.

i'm tired of temporary people. i'm tired of introducing myself to new people. i'm tired of people leaving me, making me wonder what more could i offer to the next person to make them stay.

you wanna know why i could never forget you even when i was in boston? because u're the one of two people in the world who treated me nice. do yu remember how i was when i was a kid? mean, spiteful, bitter, and no one ever wanted to be friends with me, but you. you tolerated me. you showed me how to be compassionate. you showed me how to say sorry, how to say thank you.

11: 23 PM

when i was in boston? i was comparing every single people i meet to you. i started being nice but no one compares to you. people just wanted to be my friend because i have something that they can use. may it be toys or money. no one talks to me like they actually want to know me.

i just wanted a hannah in my entire life.

ever since 2008, i was hoping i'd be the hannah for my dad. i understand where he's coming from and i hoped one day he would change, just like i did. it's been almost nine years and i'm starting to give up.

12: 23 AM

should i give up now

12: 55 AM

sorry

01: 59 AM

mornight