therefore.

once

august 6, 2017 || 14:42

I was raised in a tiny, semi-abusive home. My parents, both bipolar and alcoholics were okay a lot of the time, however, when it came to discipline, they took it far further then it should've gone. I remember whenever they'd find out if i'd done something wrong, they'd physically punish me in harsh ways that I suppose are not illegal. However, as a young and very ill child, not yet five, being thrown around and slapped really scarred me for life.

You see, I was a very smart child. I was considered a child prodigy, though I hated the term. Because of this, I realized what I had to do - lie. I lied to my parents about everything to avoid getting hurt or yelled at, or I lied to get attention from them. By the time I was six, I was very very good at it. Too good. I found that lying about everything got me further then telling the truth was, and by the time I was seven, I knew exactly how to manipulate everyone - my parents, my teachers, and even my friends.

This was my downfall.

Lying and manipulation became deadly habits and now, at almost sixteen years old, I want desperately to break them. You see, I've lost friend after friend to my deadly game, as they soon realize that all I do is lie to them. I hate lying, I hate myself for lying. So you may be thinking something along the lines of: "if you hate it so much, then stop lying."

Dear reader, if I could have one wish, I would wish that I would never lie again.

God, I've tried everything to stop lying but I cannot. It's a habit, an addiction. I never have a reason for lying, I just do.

I'm a pathological liar.

It ruins everything that means anything to me. Relationships with people; my significant others never trust me, my friends hate me for it, my parents don't know who I truly am because they know the aura i give with my mask of lies.

For gods sake, I hate myself for this.

I have no solution, only regrets.