it's okay ; changkyun

seven

"Changkyun."

The youngest looked up at the sound of his name. "Hi, Hyungwon." He closed his laptop and curled his legs under him. "What's up?"

"Nothing," Hyungwon admitted with a sigh. "Actually, I was lonely. Wonho is stress-lifting, as I like to call it, and Shownu followed him out of the house. And Minhyuk and Kihyun went out. Jooheon's at the studio." He laughed when he noticed Changkyun's surprised expression. "We're the only ones here."

"Wow," Changkyun mused. "I knew Jooheon left, since he'd been sitting with me earlier. But I didn't know about the others."

Hyungwon chuckled again, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "I'm not surprised. You've been locked in here for hours. Whatcha working on?" He opened the top of the laptop curiously.

"No!" Changkyun exclaimed a little too quickly.

"What? Was our little maknae doing something naughty?"

Although he knew he was innocent, the youngest could feel his cheeks heat up. "N-no. It's just something private I'm working on."

Hyungwon, of course, was not buying it, that brat. "It's okay. We all do it."

"I'm serious. I was journaling."

"On your laptop?"

Changkyun sighed. "I can journal wherever I want. And this journal is password protected,"

"That's actually a good idea." He paused for a moment. "Whatcha journalling about?"

There it is. "It's private, Hyungwon."

"I just want to make sure you're okay." A hand brushed over his leg. "You're taking my advice?"

Changkyun nodded, a small smile forming on his face. "I'm thinking of quitting the group to become a tattoo artist, to tell you the truth."

"Has someone been bothering you?"

"It was a joke."

Hyungwon shook his head. "I mean, why have you had to use the pen so often? Do you want to talk about anything?" When he saw the sad look on Changkyun's face, he rubbed the younger's hand in his own. "Sometimes, it's better if we talk to someone about it."

"What about you, hyung? Have you talked about it?"

Hyungwon's cheeks turned pink. "N-no."

"Then you should talk about it with me. Even if it's not as much of a problem to you."

The older vocalist shook his head, face hidden behind his hand. "It's still a problem. It actually gets worse and worse as we get closer to our debut date." He rubbed his eyes. "I was clean for a year and 5 months, Changkyun."

"Hyung—"

"I'm sorry!" Hyungwon burst out, his eyes beginning to water. "It's really hard. I hate everything about this life. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I can't sing. I can't dance. All I am is a face. That's why they chose me, Changkyun. I'm just a face."

"That's not true."

Hyungwon dropped his head back, groaning when it hit the wall. "I heard the judges talking about it after one of the missions. They were saying how flat my voice was and how awkward I look when I dance. I thought I wasn't going to debut, but then they called my name." A tear glistened on his cheek and he quickly wiped it away. "Gunhee could have debuted with Jooheon. Changkyun, it wasn't your fault. It was mine."

"How could you even say that? It's not your fault, or my fault. We deserve these places. Gunhee, Seokwon, all the other trainees...they deserved to debut, too. The company split us apart, for whatever reason, and this is what they chose to happen."

Hyungwon curled up on his side, head resting on the pillow. "I know. It's just hard to believe sometimes." They stayed in silence for a while, Changkyun's fingers drawing patterns on the vocalist's arm.

"Why do we do it?" the youngest said. Hyungwon looked up to see Changkyun staring into space. "It feels better in the moment, but afterwards, all of our problems are still there."

Hyungwon nodded. "And then we have to deal with even more pain."

"It's nice to know there's someone who understands."

"Same here."