Heartbeat Or Break

《07》

"Why would I ever like you"

The words rung in my head, yet I was the one who said them but I know I was not meaning to. I didn't want to say that at all, but my mouth had just moved on its own, but I don't remember having such a reflex. I started stuttering because of my confusion at my own undesired words, "Huh? What? I...", I wanted to fix it, but I feared it would happen again, that I would open my mouth and words I would never want to say ever, flow out from my lips. I tried to speak, "I-i... No- I", but to my dismay, words failed me.

I reached out to him, but he slapped my hand away. I was shocked and looked up to his face and he had a stoic expression, not an expression of anger or hate, but one caused by hurt or heartbreak showed in his visage. Detachment, emptiness and a lack of emotion showed on his face. As if nothing had ever tied him to life in the first place.

"It's okay." He stated to me in dismissive tone and I knew he was lying because either way if he was okay or not, I was not okay. He then moved to cover his eyes with his arm, but at first I didn't know why he was doing that, but then I saw tears spilling from behind his arm, which was supposed to shield the broken scene.

"I'm okay", he uttered, tears now flowing freely down his face and upon hearing this, my heart shattered into a million pieces and my heart felt like it had been pierced and I inhaled sharply. I stepped forward in hopes he'd realize that I didn't mean any of what I said just now, but my heart was crushed when he took a step backwards, away from me.

It started with one step, but turned into several and now he was walking away from me, his arm still hiding his face, but his legs moving, taking him away from me. I couldn't move. I watched as he walked away from me in the dull lighting of the park, until he walked into the depths of darkness, to what I could no longer see.

It started to get cold, but I didn't notice at first as my jacket was done up tightly to the top, thanks to the person who would normally be cheerful and happy around me. This made me break down in tears and I stayed there, I was there for at least 10 minutes after, but I had fallen to my knees and was crying, tears streaked down my face. My eyes were puffy and red and it felt horrible, but not as horrible as when I saw the man, who teased me and cared for me, walk away from me.

I couldn't of cared less if anyone had seen me, even though few would be in the park at this hour. I slowly got up to my feet, using the bridge as support. I did my best to walk back to my place without crying, but it didn't take long too long before my tear stained face, had a fresh flow of tears anew, renewing the dried up stream that had flowed through only minutes before.

I made my way to my apartment block and took the lift up to my apartment. There was a nervous man fidgeting and a vaguely familiar, mature, but young looking woman in the lift. The man looked very uncomfortable and rushed out as soon as it was his floor. The woman however, turned to me and said with a soothing voice, "are you okay? That's a silly question really as I know you are not okay", she wiped a tear I had not known had fallen from my eye. "Please come to my apartment and I will make you a cup of tea and you can tell me your problem? Also don't worry I am not a creep, I am one of the gardeners who tend for the local gardens and greens, I think I tend to your university as I have seen you there while you had a picnic on the green with your friends the other day."

I looked at her kind face and nodded. Her story would also explain why she looked familiar. I followed her into the apartment, being polite still as she went to make cups of tea for herself and I. I introduced myself and found out her name was Khristal (Crystal in Thai; removed accents).

"You look heartbroken, poor child. What happened this night to make you cry so", she said handing me a cup of hot tea. I stared into the mug for a while before making an attempt to answer.

"I broke the person's, who I think I may like, heart today and I fear he will never return to me with his annoying, never fading smile, his distinct cologne and his warmth when he is around me. I said 'why would I ever like you' and I have no clue as to why, but what I had meant to say is that I didn't know how to reciprocate his feelings and why would he ever love me since he is very handsome and there is so little that's good about me", emotion poured out of my heart and I also spilled some of the tea by accident, although the liquid landed safely into the saucer. I was about to start crying all over again, when the woman, Khristal appeared in front of me with a tissue.

"Well ouch, I must say on his behalf, like they are very harsh and strong words to receive from the person you are chasing. I do say however, that you must make sure your feelings are true and strong, when you go to resolve this with him. You cannot half-ass your feelings because you cannot afford to at this point", she advised me while sipping tea and patiently listening to me complain.

"I don't know how I feel just yet", I was honest and told her that what I thought.

"Why do you not know?" she asked and I realized I actually have an answer.

"I do not know why he would like someone like me, I'm not cute like my Nong, Wayo or smart and handsome like my best friend, Phana and I'm not as social or sociable as my other bestfriend, Beam and he has no reason to like me at all really", I replied even though I was still in a state.

"Dear boy, do you not notice? These are your insecurities, not your love for him or attraction and wanting him to accept you is very linked to you liking him, but this is more linked to whether you think he will like you. I think the word love is more accurate actually, but by just listening to the way you speak about him, he seems to love you and you seem to love him back, but my boy please, I beg of you, do not let your insecurities get in the way of your love for this man. You can wait a little to attempt to understand whether you love him or not, but do not wait until it's got to the point where he has given up on you", she was kind of ranting at this point, but she was only saying her point.

I bowed as I was leaving and Khristal said that I could come at any time I wanted and she would listen and advise me on my problems and I thanked her for this greatly.

I returned to my room and lay on the bed thinking as I had been for the last few days, which had caused me to be very tired. However this time instead of thinking about how handsome Ming was and why it annoys me or why I feel strange and flustered around him. I thought about the terrible thing I had done to Ming and cried myself to sleep, remembering that I had practically stabbed his heart with my words and shattered my own while doing so.

.•°•.•°•.•°

Hi KatsuKitKat here
1000+ words reached

I actually wrote this the same day as I posted last chapter...

Just a heads up that I will be writing a bonus chapter (PhaYo) when this story hits 10k reads. So letting you know that in advance.

Poor Ming Kwan.
How and will our Kit Kat resolve this do you think?

Hope you enjoy!
Fighting!