Electric Impulse

chapter 51 | what is this, really?

He looks away, quickly.

Are you really thinking of giving him another chance? Wake up! He's damaged goods, girl.

But I need him. We need him to be there. Me and the baby.

"We have the girls, Ari. It's hard. Nora and I live separate lives. She has her own home and everything. We have an arrangement . . . and it works. Boarding school was our way of shielding the girls from the split. When they come home, we spend what little time we have with them . . . together . . . as a family and I can't mess that up. I don't want to hurt my little girls. I can't take them through a divorce!" He shakes his head vehemently like it's a line he won't cross. "I know what that's like. I've been through it. Divorce changes a kid forever." An expression I've never seen before flashes across his face. The years leave and his eyes grow wide and wild with fear. He's like a wounded little boy fearful of facing the monster that once destroyed him.

This is impossible. His ties to Nora run deep. Will he ever get divorced? Will he ever fully commit?

I envy that and at the same time, in a weird way, I also understand. It makes sense now. He makes sense. The lies, the deception, all of it. As backwards as his actions have been, he's trying to protect his kids, his family. I kind of respect that. I probably would've done the same if I were in his shoes.

But the stakes have changed, and he doesn't know it. This is more than just a new relationship and hurt feelings. It's my child. Our child. Our family.

Tell him! 

Tell him! Now!

There's a flutter in my chest. I can forgive him if he can accept this. "You love your girls, right? And you're such a good father. Well . . . ." I pause trying to think of the best way to say it. ". . . now you'll have three." My heart's about to leap out of my throat. I gulp to keep it down and wait for him to catch up to me.

"What?" He looks as if he's totally caught off guard. "What are you talking about? Three?"

I swallow. "You know. Maybe a little boy or a little girl," I tell him softly. Getting up from the recliner, I slowly approach him, wanting so badly for him to accept this. I finally accept me. Exactly the way I am. I love me, pregnant and all. Why can't he? "You can't overwrite it and you can't lie about it. It's here." I touch my belly and gaze at him with pleading eyes.

He leans back on the couch. "A kid? Wait a minute? You're telling me you're pregnant?"

"Yes." I nod. "That's what I'm telling you. I'm pregnant. So, what are you gonna do, Phoenix? What are you gonna do? Huh?" The fear of rejection sits in the pit of my stomach. Regardless of all the scathing lies, I've uncovered, I need to know if he'll be here because regardless of what's happened, I need him. This baby needs him and I refuse to repeat my childhood.

"Wow! I don't know." He pauses. "I don't know. Let me think." He rubs his forehead. He stands up and walks past me to the kitchen. He opens the fridge, stands there for a moment and grabs a bottle of water. Then, like a man dying of thirst in the desert, he hurriedly opens the bottle and chugs it until it's empty.

Not the response I was hoping for. He's running in place. "Yes, it's yours." The pain of rejection forces my hand. "You can't stay married to her and have me, Phoenix! I refuse to live like that!"

Family over everything, remember? Sacrifice anything. Everything!

Family over everything, at what cost? My sanity? My happiness? This baby's life? Then there is no family. I'd rather walk away. Look at what happened to Aya. That will not be me. What I want matters. I matter, too.