Dear Diary|| Josh Franceschi #Wattys2017

22nd of December

Oioi gooys lol, here is a new chapter!
Listen to 'tell me how' by paramore while you read it

Dear diary,
I'm here in Surrey from a bunch of days, I came here just with my mum because my dad said that he hates to stay with my mum's family, so he went to London to visit his family.
I won't hide it, I always liked my father's family more because since my mum's brother died and his wife got away with her new boyfriend and my cousins I don't have fun here anymore, the atmosphere is quite boring, but I would NEVER EVER let my mum and my grandparents down like this. We would have visited my father family one or two days later anyway so I don't know what's his problem, maybe he expected my mum to go with him, but we already had plans with her family and we would never delete them to follow a man that caused only trouble lately in our family.

The only positive thing, I guess, is that I met my grandad's brother's grandson, we were very close when I was a kid and it's been nice to talk to him. He didn't judge for the way I looked, he didn't give me a look full of sympathy once even though I know that my grandma told him something about the fact that I'm struggling with something that hurts me a lot and that includes a guy.
It's been a nice talk, I was glad to see him again and he told me that he wanted to go shopping with me because he needed new clothes so this morning we decided to do it.
He tried to make me eat something, but then he let go and we finally got out of the house.
There were really good shops, I loved them and I bought some things too, and things were going too well.
But then we went to a bar and we sat on the chairs around the table to drink the coffee we took, and while I and Carl were acting weird and faking to be a couple just to make a fool of eachother, I looked over his shoulder and there was a familiar face.
Josh was there and he looked at us like he was about to cry.

I can't call you a stranger,
but I can't call you.
I know you think that I erased you
you may hate me but I can't hate you
and I won't replace you.

All of sudden I felt uncomfortable, I couldn't breathe easily and carl noticed and asked me what was going on, I didn't say anything but then he turned around and he saw him and I guess my grandma told him who was my ex boyfriend because when he turned back to face me he whispered 'that fucking bastard'. It took me some time to feel a little better, but then when I looked over Carl's shoukder again I saw that he wasn't alone, he was with the black haired girl and that made me feel even worse.

Tell me how to feel about you now?

I my panic attack was getting so much worse and Carl didn't know how to handle it, so he asked for help. Everyone was getting closer to us and it didn't help me at all.
No one really knew how to act, so they just stared at us sometimes saying something like 'oh, poor lady' and no one really thought about calling an ambulance and Carl was so worried that he got like... paralyzed?
I was so angry at them that if I felt a little better I would scream to them that they should've called a fucking ambulance.

From what I saw Josh didn't realize what was happening, but when he did he ran to me and said 'please guys, go back to your table, she needs more air since it's already difficult for her to breathe, if you keep staying this close you'll make the situation even worse'.
He was later in front of me, grabbing my face and telling me that everything was alright. When I heard those words I started crying and somehow I felt like he understood why I reacted like that.
'I'm so sorry' he whispered into my ear

Think I'm tired of getting over it
Just starting something new again
I'm getting sick of the beginnings

'why did you do that?'
everytime I tried to contact him, he left me on read.
I've been up and missed so many hours of sleep because of it, I hated being ignored, it made me upset more and more.
And also this time he didn't say anything.

You keep me up with your silence
Take me down with your quiet

When I calmed down and everything was alright, he took the hand of his girl, who was near Carl, and they walked away. From my seat I could hear her say 'who was that? Why did you hug her?' and Josh replied 'no babe, don't be jelous, she is an old friend. You know that I love you'.
And that made me realize how irrelevant I am and probably already was when we were together.

We went around the town for a while and then we went back to my granny's house.
I did not really wanted to eat today.

I'll write as soon as possible,
Joleene.