Supernovas & Escapism

Chapter Thirty-Seven

      The nights I spend with Xavier quickly become my reason for breathing. They elevate me and make me feel like maybe for once, I am worth more than the sum of my parts. Just being in his presence makes me feel less guilty for being in this world. For so long I've wanted someone to look at me as if I wasn't just something that needed to be fixed. The few people I can confide in, always glance at me like I'm some broken thing in need of repair.

     Whilst my heart might be fine china, that doesn't excuse their looks.

     Xavier understands what it's like to have a heart like that. His seems almost as broken as mine, though in a completely different way. Something in his eyes always seems lost—trying to cling onto something that no longer exists.

     I like this side of him... no, wait. I love this side of him.

     It's so bare, so raw, so real.

     Our night time excursions are more common now. Ever since the night where the distance closed between us, it feels like a plethora of stars painted themselves across the sky, lighting the way for us. There was still a storm brewing inside me, but at least now there was some hope—a light in the eye of the storm.

     "You alright?" Xavier calls, inches from me with his hands tucked behind his head. His eyes glance over to me with such a tight-knit seriousness that it takes me a moment to form the words in my head.

     "I'm fine," I manage, swallowing the guilt of the lie.

     The opening bars to "Lightning Crashes" by 'Live' play out from the speakers of Xavier's car. There's a feeling that forms in my chest and it leaves me tight and almost breathless. The song, slow and mellow fills the space between us.

     I've been in Xavier's room. I know the majority of his music playlist is made up of indie-pop and folk-rock. This song is neither.

     It feels like a new side to him at first, but then it comes to me; this is so different to anything else he has shown me. This is not Xavier embracing a new kind of music, but rather embracing the kind of people who would be into this type of music.

     Somewhere between Grunge and Alternative Rock. Something where there's a damp heaviness between the words, and everything feels like it's being said through the most bitter pain. My eyes fleet back to his because now I know the answer. This is not his type of music—this is my type of music.

     The smug grin tells me everything I need to know as the singers' voice pours out from the speakers.

     Slowly, I find myself reaching out and lacing my fingers in-between his own.

     There's something that floods my stomach that feels like sadness, but not as jaded. There's no anger behind my sadness. Rather I feel the sadness because I know from experience that good things like this are not built to last. I've built Xavier up in my head for so long and now I'm just waiting for that boot to drop—the moment in my life where the rug is snapped out from under my feet yet again.

     But I cannot bear it this time. He's been saving me from myself this whole time. And the irony is that he probably has no idea that he's been doing that for me.

     I just squeeze his hand a bit tighter as I bite my lip, trying to push everything down. My whole life, I've known that the best thing to do is to just enjoy things whilst they last. But this looming timer that seems to be above the head of what we have terrifies me. For once in my life, I have a want so powerful that it threatens to choke me out. I cannot lose him, I just can't.

     As if sensing my own pain, Xavier somehow makes it all okay by putting his free hand atop our intertwined mess. The fact that he doesn't pull away means everything to me in that moment.

     "You know," Xavier starts, turning his body fully so that it is facing me. "When I was a kid I used to cry a lot."

     The words take me by surprise, because I really don't expect them. My brows shoot up but my mouth remains a stoic line drawn across my face. It seems hard to see someone as hard-edged as Xavier crying over anything.

     "My mom used to say that I was such an emotional kid, not that much has changed." His laugh is dry and pained, but brimming with something more. Hope? Bereavement? Guilt? The possibilities are endless. "But regardless of the reason, she was always there for me. Not once did she ever make me feel stupid about anything. Even when it was the stupid stuff, I honestly don't think she cared all that much because she was in love with being my mom."

     The way he talked about her so wistfully, I couldn't help but let my mouth tug up into a small smile. Truthfully, I'd barely heard him speak about her before. I knew that something had happened to her and that she was no longer in this world, but apart from that I knew nothing about the woman who had raised Xavier.

     But any mother would have been an improvement on my own. Okay, maybe that's a little unfair with all things considered.

     "Lightning crashes, an old mother dies. Her intentions fall to the floor."

     The words are so silky smooth from the speaker that part of me wonders if this was planned. Xavier may be a lot of things, but he doesn't strike me as the person to delicately plan out something that would wreck him completely.

     "Ever since she's been gone, I can't find it in me to cry that much." This time, it's him who squeezes my hand. "I just feel like everything would be stupid and misplaced if I just opened up and showed people my scars."

     I swallow hard. "Why are you telling me this?"

     He smiles a weak smile and turns his eyes up towards mines. "Because life is too short to keep everything in." He pauses for a moment. "You don't have to tell me a damn thing Garth, but I feel like maybe you should get some answers." Another pause. "I'm going to tell you because I cannot carry this weight anymore." And another. "I'm going to tell you about how I lost her, and how it's made me the person I am."