Supernovas & Escapism

Chapter Eight

      I've never truly loved the thought of being alone. In fact I don't think anyone has ever loved the thought of living their life in a lonely hollow shell.

     But saying that, I can only find it necessary to live my life this way. Shutting people out has nothing to do with the people I'm neglecting, but more to do with my own irrational fears. I don't want to end up alone, but I'm afraid if I trust someone enough to not be alone, they will use it against me. It's not something I need in my life right now; I'd rather live a lonely life, than one where I've had my hopes and dreams, dashed and shattered.

     I'd never told anyone of this. Not my mother. Not my aunt. Not anyone.

     There's a park near my aunt's home that I like to go to when I need to be alone. This must be why it feels that I am a fixture of this place, never being able to fully leave. I am a boomerang, always longingly bouncing back to the place where everything started.

     I lie back on the merry-go-round. The dark night sky looks down at me, the stars hidden under years of light pollution which probably can't be undone. The cold steel against my back lets me know that I still have feeling in my body after today's run-in with Luis Hernandez and his slack-jawed cronies. Slowly, the merry-go-round began to swing, partly due to my own inertia and partly to do with the slight breeze that seemed to lilt everything with this crisp feeling.

     Chains rattled softly from where the swings where situated, and the trees that surrounded the park from three sides rustled softly. There were no children in sight. It was the cause and effect of living in a bad neighbourhood and it being dark out. Parents were protective of their children.

     My fists clenched abruptly, overcome with a feeling of hate.

     Why couldn't my mother protect me like that? Where was she when I needed to be sheltered from the storm? What was she still doing with a man who clearly did not love her enough to not raise a hand?

     'Life is more complicated than this,' she would always retort. As if this was some sort of excuse to take everything on the chin and embrace it for what it was. It wasn't.

     I got sick of having to pretend to play happy families a long time ago. There was a time where I didn't even try to cover up what was happening. I wished, I prayed that someone might ask questions, that someone might actually pay attention. But I was in a broken place, a space where there was just too much going on that it became impossible to look after everyone. The cracks came, and I'd fallen through completely. Now, I just wanted to get back up, but how could I do that when I'd just fallen so far in the first place.

     With a sharp exhale, my hands folded across my chest. With heavy eyes, they began to close ever so softly, wishing that just for a moment that this world was not the real one we lived in. That this world was just a nightmare, something I'd created to scare myself awake.

     That would have made much more sense than the nonsensical kind of hell that I was living right now.

     But then I suppose that was the point wasn't it? There's something tragic to be said about life. For the lucky it's a journey into the unknown. For everyone else, it's a one way ticket to the endless abyss. I wanted to fight, but what's the point in fighting when you already know your screwed.

     How could I escape this life when this life was trying so hard just to keep me here?

     That's when I heard it; a little more than a rustle of the trees; a crunch of boot against grass, progressively getting louder and louder. It was so easy to just lean back and ignore it. Despite curiosity ringing my brain, my body was too exhausted to even think of ruining this sweet single moment of serenity.

     My eyes only forced themselves open, when motion began occurring. It wasn't extremely fast, but it was enough to suggest that someone had stepped on.

     Instead of having the sky look down at me, I seen him.

     My friend. The only person in the world who wanted to do something for me without asking anything in return.

     Xavier.