Supernovas & Escapism

Chapter Sixteen

      I shouldn't have done it.

     Even the build up to the moment was trying to pull me back from doing it. Every fiber of my being seemed to say 'stop, what the actual hell are you doing.' Will was the only thing that motivated that moment, with everything else trying it's damn hardest to be a sandbag.

     Call it what you must; impulsive, or a distinct lack of self-control. All I know is if I had that moment back, I would have probably have chosen a very different option. I would have read the silence that existed between us, and not have made the biggest mistake of my life. Grand over-exaggerations aside, it truly did feel like this one moment would forever be a benchmark. Every time I wanted to do something stupid or rash, I would remember that moment. Perhaps the foresight would allow me to make actual logical decisions.

     Xavier was something of a mystery to me. He was the known, and the unknown all at once. When I spoke to him, it felt like I was speaking to an old friend. But the reality of it was that we knew very little about each other. I could have probably counted all the things I did know about Xavier on one hand.

     His mom was dead, though from what reason was still slightly unclear. For whatever reason, he liked midnight drives, and going to places where no one ventured. When it came to emotions and showing them he seemed very muted. He did not like to be caught off guard, as learned the hard way. The way his face was captured in the moonlight was enough to make even the strongest person lose their inhibitions for a grazing second.

     Sleep, like most other things, had evaded me- though not for the first time. If anything, it was like my body was willing me not to sleep. Like there were so many things in the world that needed to be discussed before exhaustion set in. Despite everything that had happened in the past twelve hours, I couldn't bring myself to be worn out. Feeling tired right now would have been an insult to everything that had happened. As if I could turn my brain off, and send these flighty thoughts off to a more peaceful place. I couldn't bring myself to do that. I couldn't just lie down and forget about everything that had happened.

     But regardless, I realized at some point that I must have let these thoughts lull me into a half-hypnotized, half-sleeping state.

     Morning sounds soon flooded my ears, a clear sign that it was probably time to get up. At one point, I had used an alarm clock for this, but after the numerous, loud, complaints from my dad, I stopped using it. It would have been more beneficial to everyone in the long run. No more long drawn out mornings. No more stomping footsteps. No more anger.

     Oh, how I wished it were just as simple as that.

     I wish I could say that it's not always been like this, but it has. Maybe when I was younger it wasn't as obvious. Of course, back then I had no idea to look out for it, because how could you see something that you weren't actively looking for. It was only when I started to grow into my own skin that I started to take note; how angry, sullen, and bitter he was as a person. Everything he was seemed to be draped in this added layer of aggression and anger. No longer was he suppressing himself in front of me, not that I really cared. Now he wasn't so subtle with telling me how much of a waste of space I truly was.