Supernovas & Escapism

Chapter Five

      Life before it had fallen apart was so simple.

     There was something humbling that could have been said about the fact that life was now more interesting. But the harsh reality of that was simple. Interesting didn't always mean better.

     No one in our family liked to talk about it. It was this thing that compressed us to the edges of the room. We'd all decided long ago to try and skirt around the issue for as long as possible. After all, it wasn't like it was having a clear negative effect on our lives; we still had room to grow, and space to breathe. But the more we tried to downplay the issue, the more apparent the issue became. My dad, in all of his pride, had decided that he didn't want something like this bringing down our family.

     It'd been close to two years, and still her name had not dared cross our lips. It felt like if we did, then this façade would crumble down and we'd be forced to face the fact that we weren't fine.

     Instead of being shimmering specks of light, we'd all become victims of the black hole. The memories in our minds would threaten to drown us in an infinite sea of despair. As fun as that sounded, I was already busy drowning in a bunch of other things to take one more on board.

     Dad stared out at the road ahead, briefly lit by the setting autumn sun. His tongue poked at the ends of his cheek, and every few seconds he would reposition himself on the seat. In hindsight maybe it hadn't been the best idea I'd ever had, but at least it forced him to have some sort of interaction with me.

     "What were you thinking?" he growled as he took a turn far too sharply.

     For a moment, I slid in my seat, only stopped by the seatbelt. Immediately, I made a grab for the car door handle, gripping on for dear life. No one in our house liked him behind the wheel of a car period, but it was times like this were his careless driving habits were brought out to the surface.

     Taking his eyes of the road for a second or two, he looked at me with intensity. His lip curled down, and his brows furrowed. I'd seen him angry before, but this felt different. My dad, a man who rarely let anything show, looked exasperated beyond all belief, consumed by what he had just been told.

     Harshly, his eyes turned back onto the road, just in time to take in the red light. As he slowed down, a breath left him. "I just don't get it Xavier," he tried, bringing his voice down a few levels to try and meet me. "I don't know what to do anymore."

     My face remained turned away from his. I knew if I looked at him I'd have to face the repercussions of my actions. It would bring that sting back to my reddened fists, and it would force me to think the one question I still didn't know; why? Why now, and why today? Why did I even need to blow my lid in the first place?

     Why was one off-hand comment with a stranger affecting my head so much?

     "You know, I've tried and tried to be understanding," my dad spoke through the static of the radio. "I've done my best to be there for you, but you're not making this easy on any of us kiddo." His voice lilted for a moment into sadness before abruptly changing as he took his next corner a little too fast. There was a brief moment where the car had managed to mount the sidewalk, before bouncing off again. "We all want to be fine, and we're all coping, so why can't you?"