Supernovas & Escapism

Chapter Nineteen

      The car idled in the street for the longest time. Sounds of the engine still purring whilst stationary did their best to cut through the silence that had befallen us. Darkness had once again painted itself over the surburbanness of this small community, with the headlights of the car only managing to break through a few feet in front of us.

     If I was completely honest, I wasn't entirely ready for this yet. Goodbyes were always hard, but how could you even say it to someone who knew you so intimately that it hurt. Just saying 'see you around' would never feel like enough. At least not for me. There was something that proved difficult in leaving, and I think Xavier could feel it too. If he had, then he didn't say nothing about it. But the way his lips curled into the tightest of frowns said more than enough for me. We couldn't stay like this forever, I know that. But just staying here for a few moments more made everything feel less shit.

     Hesitation was the name of the game. Neither of us wanted to be the first to break the silence that had rested here. We knew the moment that one of us spoke, we would be jolted into the momentum of a conversation. The more we stayed silent, the more time we could spend here.

     Eventually though, he spoke with a silent sigh.

     "I should probably get going," he remarked, his voice as heavy as his expression. "My dad is probably wondering where I am."

     Without turning to face him, I nodded. It was weird how despite things being different, the outcome was the same. Here we were again, trapped in our own twisted awkwardness, none of us wanting to make the first move, but knowing that it couldn't last forever.

     Leaning forward, I rested my head on the dash. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go back to my life. I wanted to live in this escapist fantasy. Living here was so much better than living in reality. At least here I could be who I wanted to be without the abject fear of someone casting their eyes over my face and judging me.

     I don't want to go, my brain screamed, wishing that whatever this was didn't have to be put on pause, or have a to be continued attached to it. But above this thought there was that rational one, the one that knew that nothing lasts forever, not even the stars in the sky. One day we would both be nothing but dust and energy, and when that day came, our memories would also become stardust.

     "Let him wonder," my voice said in a low and soft whisper. Bringing my head back up, I met the dark pools of his eyes. "Just for a little while longer. Please" My voice must have sounded on the edge of desperation, because Xavier simply cocked a brow at me for a moment, before nodding ever so subtly.

     The lights were on in our house, and just like before, dark figures danced behind the closed curtains. It wasn't an elegant ballet that had been caught by shadows, but rather something far more sluggish and fierce. The air left my lungs at such a rate, that it forced my head back onto the headrest. Closing my eyes, I tried to give myself just a few more moments of this. This is what I needed to live for. These midnight conversations were slowly becoming one of the highlights of my day, despite there only being two to speak of.

     What can I say, when you have a shitty home life, you look forward to anything that's a break from the norm.

     "Nine," Xavier said in a low and serious voice. "Are you okay?"

     The question felt like a punch to the gut. I knew my answer almost instantly, but I didn't want to burden him. He was already dealing with his own shit; I didn't need to throw my dumpster fire of a life on top of that.

     My voice dropped to the most silent whisper. "No, not really." I opened my eyes, to see concern etched across his face. And it was genuine. A genuine emotion from the boy who was all quick quips and detours. "But I'll manage."

     Silence loomed for a moment more.

     "Can I tell you something," I said delicately.

     Xavier nodded his head. "Of course." His body leaned in closer, as if expecting me to reveal the secrets of the stars to him. And I do wish I had those sorts of answers for him right now, if only because it would probably put me more at ease.

     "I really don't want to go home."

     The words seemed to stun him for a moment. He turned away from me to the house, before back towards me. The concern on his face grew more and more with every passing second. I'd assumed he'd already made a guess as to what was going on. But then there was thinking something was funky, and knowing that not everything is what it seemed. See, when you thought these things, you tended to live in that area that everything was going to be fine and dandy. You could ignore the problem because it was all in your head. Everything could be explained away by lies that people told themselves.

     But this was a pin-dropping moment; the point where it all clicked into place. I watched as his fists tensed, and his jaw clenched. I'd only seen him like this once before, and I knew exactly what came next.

     "Fuck," he breathed out, collapsing into the seat. "Don't you have anywhere else you can go?" I heard the slight essence of a desperate boy in his tone, wishing that there was something he could do.

     At the end of the day though, there wasn't. This was my weight to bear.

     "No," I lied.

     Without saying much else, I opened the car door and stepped outside. Before closing the door, I leaned in. "I'll see you at school."

     I watched the look on his face for a few seconds more.

     "I'll be fine Xavier, alright?"

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QOTD: Long or Short chapters?