Bold Words

Day 21: Weight - Window - Reward

Once I had the window open and my first leg out of it, I never looked back. As the cold air splashed against my cheeks, I felt the weight lifted off of my shoulders. There weren’t any more expectations, no more responsibilities, no more fights—or at least there wouldn’t be. I adjusted the backpack on my shoulders as I escaped into the night ahead of me. I was just barely eighteen and I had so many options—at least, my dad always talked about options. Now that I looked ahead of me, I wasn’t actually sure if they were really there. I hadn’t heard his encouragement in years and it felt like everything my mom’s new husband said was just – like the only purpose of it was to get at me and swat me into whatever it was he thought I should be.

Fuck that. You know, I’ll do what I want. He’s not my dad and he was never going to be. I never felt more suffocated in my life than I have since my mom brought that guy and his kids home. Since I’ve been competing just to be in the damn family and you know what? I’m done with it. I knew I made the right decision as I walked down the sidewalk in the midnight air. Nothing had ever felt so good. The soft tingle on my cheeks from the New York air was just so … ridiculously good feeling and I knew that the choice I made would pay off at some point. There’d be a reward at the end of the tunnel somewhere.

At least that’s what I thought when I first went out. After my first week outside the house, I already felt like I was dying. You can call me a spoiled brat as much as you want—you know a good for nothing that never worked for a damn thing in his life, and you’d be right. I’d never needed anything before, but it’s not my fault that I didn’t know what to look for! My mom never taught me what I needed to know and my step-father certainly wasn’t interested in teaching me any actual skills.

I was hungry, dirty, my clothes smelled. I was tired of walking around and I was tired of being looked like I was homeless—not to say they were wrong even. The New Yorkers. As I looked at them, I realized just how funny the situation was. I’d go shopping all the time with my mom and I’d look at the homeless people and I’d laugh at them and say they deserved it and all of the sudden, I felt like I was one of them… but even I tried to converse with them, I knew I wasn’t. I had more aspiration, I had more youth, I had more everything than any of them and I still didn’t smell quite as bad as them yet.

I guess you could say that I was lost. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing or where I was going and… I didn’t know why. When I climbed out of my window, I thought I had it all together. I swear there was a clear picture in my mind of what was going to happen to me, of where I was going to go and how successful I was going to be. I was going to rub it in my step-dad’s face just how wrong he was and yet, I had no idea how to get rich on my own.

So I got desperate—you would have too! It was December and New York is cold in December! I was hungry, I still hadn’t showered, and I didn’t have a place to warm up. I ended up downtown—like at the part of downtown where you don’t want to hang out. Where you see gangs with guns, hookers, pimps, and people getting beat in alleys for their money. I lost my virginity that night and I also fucked somebody for money.

Now don’t give me that look. I’m not proud—okay, I was a little proud.

Okay, I was really proud. Not only did someone think I was good looking, but I was good looking enough to offer cash to bang. So we did it. I made $500. I got a hotel, I took a shower and I ate. Fuck, I must have spent at least $150 on just food that night. I was fucking starving. That’s when it hit me; I should keep doing this. If one night was $500, think of how fast I could get rich doing just this. I reflected on it and it’s not like I wanted to keep going to that side of town. God only knows I could bang someone for hundreds and then get mugged the moment I stepped out of their room.

Then I found The Office. It was a gentlemen’s strip club and fuck did I get popular fast. I walked in, young and innocent and shit, ready to apply, but I wasn’t quite as prepared for the experience as I thought I’d be. Despite being fully dressed, I had eyes on me the first time I walked in.