I spent New Years with the Vamps , moving in with Brad and the guys was the best decision I could've ever made. Brad and I have been getting pretty serious and we're already making plans to move in together , just us after tour is over . I'm looking forward to that , just me and him alone isn't something we have often . We don't talk about that night , he knows it makes me sad.
The ride to his house was quiet and I haven't cried about it since the actual night . But he held me until the early hours of the morning and that's all I could ever ask for from him.
Time has really gone by so fast . New Years , party. Valentine's day was spent in Paris and he told me he loved me for the first time in front of the Eiffel Tower . We almost went all the way that night too . Almost . Brad's very understanding And that's why I love him .
Except now I can't stop calling , well he started it . Michael called non stop every day after that . I didn't answer . I couldn't , it would hurt too much to hear his voice. I know I owed him some type of apology , but clearly I'm moving on . And that's all I want for him to do. Move on.
Last year I promised Michael that he would be the person I would want to be with when I get my first tattoo. We pinky promised made a HUGE deal of it and I honestly thought I would call him up to a tattoo parlor . But I didn't .
After valentines day , I was in London shooting for Seventeen Magazine, and even though I Just turned 17 this October , I decided to try my first drink. EVER . The legal drinking age there is 18 I think but Brad and I were a bit buzzed and I was feeling spontaneous and giddy so I decided I wanted a tattoo . Multiple tattoos.
And I remember telling Brad that it felt like Jack the Ripper was going off on me. I got a heart on my pinky , and I got a matching tattoo with Brad as well.
Because his fan base is much less supportive of us than I imagined , I've tried really hard to keep my chin up and with him by my side , I know I'll always be strong through anything . He's been my back bone through all this heartache I've been through since Michael , he understood that I needed time , space , but I also needed him.
On the sides of our palms I got "Inhale love " and he got "exhale hate". They're written in cursive and even though I cried , he held my hand and let me cry and didn't call me a loser for crying . I actually can't wait to get more.
But moral of the story is, Michael never stopped calling before that. I guess he saw a couple of photos on Instagram of us kissing and showing off our tattoos. I just know It must've upset him seeing me doing something he felt a deep connection to with someone else. He called and called and called for over 2 months straight (it's April now) and I didn't answer one time . I didn't want to waste my time changing my number he was going to find again. So I just let the phone ring , and ring, and ring. I probably hurt his feelings but at least it got him to stop calling.
But now I can't stop calling .
From what I've heard since I haven't talked to the boys either , they were in somewhat of a rut with writing , they couldn't seem to get anything to work and it's never been that bad . For all of February and January , they had no new material . It made my heart hurt for them and I wished I could've been there to help in anyway that I could. But I won't go back to that.
But ever since Michael stopped and I started , the bands been on tour, their new music is so amazing , they're doing all these amazing interviews and for some reason all I want more than anything to is to be right next to him. Go through everything with him. They finished Mikey's song , called it 'Disconnected.' ((I've also heard from Niall , she looks so perfect isn't done yet , and they're considering just bombing the project . He sang me the verses over Skype and wished he could help them just as much as me but they said they wanted to do this on their own. )) I love it and I cry every time I listen to it , Brad doesn't know I haven't stopped callings .
It seems that the second Michael let go , I couldn't . I wanted him to move on and that's what he's doing right ? Making amazing music, seeing the world like he's always told me he's wanted to do and I'm happy for him . I just don't know why I feel so sad.
Sorry for this long update it's just it's been a while since I've seen them and I've done so much without them in my life and I could only imagine what else I could do. But I thought that maybe if I called just once , i'd take another step forward . it's just taken me 100 steps back .
I keep singing the lyrics and humming the melodies of Disconnected but my mind doesn't seem the get rid of all thoughts Michael. Maybe I just miss him because I'm performing for the first time in a couple months and I've never been so terrified . This tour will be stadium only , not just small venues. Which means a lot more crowd to please . I'm excited yeah but I wish I had Michael here to tell me to break a leg .
Rehearsals tomorrow and I can't believe the nerves I'm having over a stupid rehearsal ! I literally get goosebumps just thinking about it. You know what Michael would say? That I'm just psyching myself out , the same thing he told me when he taught me how to swim . That I should just get over the fear because being brave is what got me to where I am today . He doesn't get enough credit for the advice he gives or gave ?
I looked over at my phones lit up screen, yes I have the 5SOS twitter on notifications . Don't judge me. "AMERICA! WE WILL BE IN YOU THIS MORNING ! SEE YOU SOON XX"
Nostalgia hit me so hard right then and there . I haven't left this hotel bed in days , even when Brad stayed here with me . I miss him . I miss him so much . I shouldn't , but I do .
