(( Why'd you only call me when you're high - arctic monkeys / 21 guns - green day ))
Michael's POV
About an hour later , after Calum's done the deed, I'm laying in bed staring at the alarm I set up for is to get to the airport on time . I've been awake for a while , I have this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach . Maybe it's just nerves .
I just want the stupid alarm to ring already so I have an excuse to be awake at this ridiculous time. Then my phone starts ringing and I sigh , it's probably Luke telling me to get cereal with him ."Hello ? " I say , "Mate, if you're calling at 2am it better be important." I rub my eyes with my free hand . "Mikey" the voice is quiet and shaky,"Michael, it's me." I stay quiet , there it is . The voice that's been haunting me for months . I wait a few more seconds before saying "I thought Calum told you to stop calling..." I hear a sniffle on the other line and I know she's been crying , maybe just as much as me "Please, just hear me out. I promise I'll never call again after this if - if you just listen to me." "Alright." I sigh, and I rustle my sheets as I sit up in bed. "I'll hear you out."
"I'm so sorry that I left you alone. I would do anything, anything in the world to be able to take it back. I just want - need to know if there's anything I can do to fix this." Calum sits up in bed, rubbing his eyes and looking up at me. He's instantly awake when he sees the expression on my face, but I give him an almost imperceptible shake of the head to warn him not to come take away the phone. His face remains grim, but he nods in response, watching me closely as I continue to listen.
Cal has his phone in his hand, and before I know it Luke and Ashton are pushing their way into our room. I know not why he didn't intervene; he was sending for reinforcement. I ignore their voices; I need to hear what she has to say. I have to memorize every rhythm with which she speaks and tone of her voice.
"And I just want you to know that I'm sorry." Her voice cracks, and I can feel the tears building inside me. Please baby, please don't cry.
I don't speak as the boys who have taken care of me so well start to speak in harsh whispers. They recycle the same sentences as they have every time I wanted to call her. She's not good for you anymore, Michael and It's time to let her go and You fucking asshole hang up the phone right now.
I keep ignoring them as my breathing becomes heavy and I curl my knees into my chest, pressing my phone tightly against my ear as my tears begin to fall in earnest. If there was ever a need for a physical representation of broken, I am it. More so than a shattered mirror or cracked phone screen. More so than anything I can ever think of.
"Kelsi..." My voice cracks as I whimper her name. God, I've missed her so much. I still do. I miss the way she would scold me when I cursed and reach for me in her sleep. But those are memories now; they aren't real anymore. Suddenly anger builds up inside me , I've come so fucking far without her and look where I am . Back where I started . "That's bullshit . I need you to stop calling . Yes I fucking miss you more than anything but you made your choice . Why would you call when I'm just starting to get better ? Goodbye. " I spit , maybe if she thinks I hate her , she would just give it up . Save the heartache she's putting us both through . I hang up the phone before she can say anything else, before she can convince me to ruin myself all over again.
My body is heavy up at the same time it is alight with pain. Kelsi was the only thing that's mattered, the only truly important thing in my life in the past year and I let her go. But she let me go too. I pushed her away because she made one mistake. The boys crowd around me as I lose myself.
This is worse than the first time. I'm not numb anymore. These aren't silent tears and a few harsh breaths. These are body wracking sobs and breaths so shallow I might as well not be taking in any air. Again and again I wail, no coherent words coming out. I don't know what I would say if I could manage to speak properly. I want the numbness back. I want absolutely nothing to do with this feeling but I deserve it.
But I did the right thing. I won't take her down with me. Not Kelsi, not after everything. No, there is nothing anyone could do to get me to make her suffer with me any longer. And so I make myself a promise.
No matter how long it takes, I won't call her , talk to her . I'm doing this for myself , I need to move on from the part of my life. It's done , she doesn't exist , we're done .
