Loving Out Loud

In between love

I slowly lowered my phone down on the table. Elly was still oh-so-caught up in her own story, that she didn't even notice the change on my face. I remember my eyes went dry and some kind of shudder went down my arms. I felt so uncomfortable. My whole body moved in a way to shelter my heart. Shoulders moved forward, my arms crossed almost without my knowing on my chest, and I was cold. So cold. For a second, I could almost swear that my chin moved, but...

-Clara, what's wrong? Dear Lord, you're trembling! - Elly exclaimed. Yup, my chin was definitely trembling now.

-Oh shit, is it that much obvious?- I asked, trying to sound annoyed. Elly worryingly nodded her head. I sighed, trying my best not to give any of my real emotions away:

- Yeah, my stomach hurts again... I am almost sure I ate something bad...- I finished, shaking my head.

Elly looked at me, not fully buying my story about stomachache. She opened her mouth to say something, but another buzz stopped her. She looked down at my phone's lighten up screen, just to see me glancing at it too.

-Clara, you changed after that message has arrived. What's wrong?-

I shook my head no, holding my arms tighter around my waist. Then I looked up at her, feeling real pain, but from the different reason:

-Elly, my stomach hurts. I probably ate something bad. Don't be alarmed, I'll go home now, make some tea and go lay down. Don't worry, please.- I said in softer tone. 

She was looking at me kind of suspiciously, but then she actually believed me.

-All right, how you're gonna go? Do you want me to call you a cab?- she asked worryingly. I smiled weakly:

-Yeah, that would be nice, thank you.-

Elly put me in the cab, telling me something about resting, but I don't really remember what. I just nodded, telling the cabby where to take me. I looked at my phone. There was another message from Tom, but I didn't want to read it. My eyes watered, and my mouth were dry again. I hated myself so much in that moment. The sudden realization about why I was trembling, and why I was, oh-so-cold, made me huddle even more. My heart was pounding in my chest so hard, I thought it will break my chest and run away from me. I wanted to run away from me. 

-We've arrived, Miss.- cabby said.

I thanked him and managed to get out of that car. I slowly walked up the stairs, right into my apartment. As the door had closed behind me, my body collapsed on the floor, while I was sobbing like a child. Some kind of low scream escaped my throat, as my mind slowly wrapped around the real problem. It was not... That other woman. It was not Tom, or that he lied. The problem was me, and I hated myself so much in that moment. I was angry he was coming back, just because...

I didn't want him to.