Soulmates Are Harder Than I Thought • Lams

Chapter VI: Everything Was Not Okay

John woke up early, his alarm making a loud obnoxious noise. John had class today, he knew it, but something inside him said. 'Don't go, it's not like it's important.' but if he is wanted to be a biologist, he had to go to class, didn't he? He stretched out his hand to his phone once he heard the "Shut that shit up" from Alex, who was still in bed, hugging his pillow tightly. John turned the alarm off, and from his bed he looked at Alexander. John smiled. Alexander looked peaceful, and it was actually a surprise for John seeing him asleep for once in two weeks, not stressed out of his mind. After probably five short minutes of fantasizing, he sat down. He walked over to his suitcase, which he still hadn't unpacked, and picked out ripped blue jeans, a plain, black tank-top, and the first shoes he found. He got dressed, and while he was putting his hair up in a ponytail, he looked at Alexander.

"Alexander, don't you have class?" he kneeled besides Alexander's twin bed, and whispered. "You should get up."

"My class is at 10:00 am." he mumbled, eyes still closed. John looked at him quite a longer time, when he decided to finally place his hand on Alexander's shoulder. Mistake. Apparently Alex had extremely quick reflexes, because he grabbed John's wrist and quickly pinned him down on the bed. John gulped. "Stop it, I'm trying to sleep." he mumbled, eyes half-opened. "I don't get sleep very often, and you're making it difficult, honey." he whispered, leaning in John's ear. John's breathing was heavy, it wasn't controlled and it was uneven; what was happening? Why is Alexander acting like a bitch in heat with John?

"I'm sorry." whispered John, but Alexander only hummed; 'Oh he's half-asleep... he doesn't know what he's doing' even the slight thought of Alexander not wanting him like that, even if he wasn't completely conscious, hurt him inside. Alexander slowly fell on top of him, John blushed even harder.

Alexander fell asleep right on top of him, John groaned annoyed. 'This idiot really just took me into his bed to whisper in my ear and fall asleep right on top of me!? I'm going to be goddarn late to class!' "Get off me." he pushed him away, which woke Alexander fully.

"Wh– Why'd you push me!?" he snapped rubbing his eyes.

"Oh I don't know, why'd you fell asleep right on top of me?" he snapped at him back and rolled his eyes. He enjoyed Alexander's company, he really did; but he had to be realistic. He was never going to be with Alexander and that's final, he was going to spend the rest of his life knowing that who was meant to be his soulmate, life-long perfect partner, was never going to be his. He had to accept it. He loved being that close to Alex, even if the Caribbean man didn't had a clue what on earth he was doing; and that scared him. He wanted to be with Alexander for often, but he couldn't tell him that he was his soulmate.

The fresh memory of Alex's soft breathing on his ear, his limp body on top of him seeking warmth in John's body, how one of his hands went to John's hair accidentally, and John, he wanted to stay there, as long as possible. Be close to Alex, even though he knew he shouldn't be.

'John, you're also his soulmate, just because he found Eliza first doesn't mean you don't get a chance. The universe was a bitch on giving him two, but you know what that means? You're also a perfect match for Alexander. It's not like it wouldn't work!' a small voice in the back of John's head said. John wanted to listen to that voice. John wanted to go over to Alexander and explain everything, he wanted to make the small string of hope that told him that Alexander would leave Eliza to be with him because they were also soulmates come true. But his fear and kindness forbade him of doing such things to Alexander.

His fear? He lived his whole life waiting for a soulmate. Someone who would understand him, someone that would be there with him when he suddenly goes sad because of the homophobic behavior in his past home, someone who would love him without wanting to change a single aspect of him. Everyone he loved wanted to change an aspect of him. His father wanted to change his sexuality, his mother wanted to control his ambitions, his siblings wanted to change his 'I-Don't-Care' attitude, which was what protected him all his life. His friends wanted to raise his self-worth, and even though they meant well, John was okay, he was happy, he may hate a few of his physical aspects (too many freckles, uncontrollable hair) he liked himself nevertheless, but his friends made a huge deal out of it. He only wanted someone who would love him flaws and all, and from what he heard from everyone, and every single article he read about soulmates. He spent 19 years looking for that special person, when he finally gave up, and now, 22; he found his soulmate, who sadly isn't even giving John a second glance, different from the books John read.

Kindness, because he couldn't do something like that to Alexander. He heard enough of Alexander in their dinner, orphan, a scrappy kid trying to make a name for himself in the big city, probably even the whole world, probably also spent most of his time looking for a soulmate. He remembered that night perfectly. The way Alexander's eyes lit up when he saw himself and Eliza change hue. He was happy, he knew Alexander felt complete; that's how they described it in the books. John couldn't possibly sit him down and tell him that he's also his soulmate and he had to pick one of them.

John couldn't do that, so he had to live with it. He was going to be a good soulmate and let Alex be happy with his other soulmate. He would live the rest of his life without his soulmate in it. He would intentionally leave behind almost two decades of searching, so he could see his soulmate be happy; even if it made him miserable with every second that passed.

Alexander would never be his, and he finally accepted it. He would stop trying, he would stop pining. He would stop pursuing Alex; only because Alexander's happiness was worth the heartbreak.

"Let's just... get ready." John looked away. "We have class." he picked up his bag, and walked out of the dormitory, doing his best to not let the tears fall.

'Be strong, John, you're doing this for him.'