Yours, Alexis Harding (MAJOR EDITS WILL BEGIN SHORTLY)

Chapter Fourteen

   

Dear Hayden,

   

   I got on my Mom's Facebook again last night, I was curious to see what was going on with you. You posted a song last, This Town by Niall Horan, the same one you posted a few days after we broke up. I guess you really miss Sarah, huh?

   And now that I've finished talking about Italy, I guess it's time to write about Paris.

   Paris was the city that sealed the deal for me, it was the missing puzzle piece of my romance with Europe. As I stood on Kilometer Zero, I knew France couldn't be the end of this trip.

   It had been well over a week since I'd last seen you, and for some reason we spent most of that time arguing. I thought Italy was going to mark a new chapter for us, but after you left it took us right back to where we were.

   Summer in Paris was beautiful, but I wanted to see more than just that. I wanted to see the seasons change in Prague, I wanted to meet the people in Budapest, I wanted to feel at home in every brand new city I visited, I wanted to grow up and experience the world, I wanted so many things that coming home to Seattle wouldn't achieve for me.

   After a long afternoon talking it through with Margot over coffee and croissants, discussing all the pros and cons of becoming a global nomad the way she had last year, I knew that not only was Europe calling my name, but beyond that in Africa and Asia and so much more.

   My mom was the first person I called, we both cried for different reasons. Her because her daughter was growing up, me because I got lucky with such a supportive parent. My dad asked for just one thing: an itinerary. Just so he knew where he and my mother could come visit.

   Then I texted you "Call me asap," I said, "It's an emergency..."

   But you didn't, so I contacted more people.

   After a few hours, everyone I cared about knew I wasn't coming home or settling down anywhere. But you didn't, not yet.

   I was sitting out on my Parisian balcony, overlooking the city that changed everything with a huge smile I couldn't wipe off, when your FaceTime ringtone finally began.

   "Hey baby, is everything okay?" you'd asked as soon as your face registered onto my screen. You were worried beyond measure, it was obvious in your features.

   I remember smiling widely, and your shoulders and worry lines relaxed. I went quiet for a little bit simply looking at you. This was the first time we properly FaceTimed since you'd visited, and it had me wondering if canceling my return ticket was a huge mistake. Looking at you, I knew I missed you more than anything in the world, all of our problems in the back of my mind, but I knew deep down that this move was what I needed to do. "I'm fine, I just need to tell you something. Are you at home?"

   You nodded, not really saying anything verbally, but I could feel everything you were feeling right then. You were nervous, building up the same tense energy I'd seen you in one too many times. I was nervous too, I remember my brain fighting with my heart about this whole thing, and I just blurted it out to get it out there. "You know how much I've been in love with Europe this summer, " I said, "I guess I wanted to see what else the world had to for me to see and fall in love with too."

   I could see the words not making sense to you, then slowly the gears were moving into place in your head.

   You weren't smiling like everyone else I spent the day talking to had. You didn't move, your face on my screen was almost like a piece of carved stone, if it weren't for your blank blinks, I would have thought my screen had frozen, and tried to call you again.

   "What does this mean for us?"

   Your question caught me off guard. I didn't really know what to say to that, I hadn't prepared for that reaction. I didn't think me extending my trip meant anything for us, for our relationship, except a few more months apart, and maybe convincing you to come visit for Christmas somewhere else, to have a repeat of Italy.

   But you were nowhere near where I was mentally, you weren't reacting the way I thought you would. Then it hit me, in a way. I remember thinking it made sense that you weren't happy. Things hadn't been as good as they used to be between us.

   The next few seconds felt like hours in my head, it felt as if I was about to answer the million dollar question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, with four options flashing in front of me. A) Stay with Hayden long-distance (with a guarantee of more arguments). B) Stay with Hayden and move back home (with only the possibility of less arguments). C) Say I don't know (which probably wouldn't go over well). Or D) Break up with Hayden.

   One option was flashing brighter than all the others, one I didn't think I'd be making when I told you to call me. "I think we need to take some time apart," I said, my voice audibly cracking. "I think I need to let you go find yourself too."

   It feels weird reliving it in writing, but like I said last time, it doesn't hurt the way it would have a few weeks ago.

   Did I tell you I was coming home? Because I am. I'm at LAX waiting to take off. The guy I'm sitting next to, I think he said his name was Sebastian, has been trying to talk to me since I sat down. So I think I should get this done and give him a chance.

   I can't believe I'm going back to Seattle for the first time since I left. I wonder if I'll ever run into you again.

   

   Thanks for all the memories,

   Alexis Harding.