Yours, Alexis Harding (MAJOR EDITS WILL BEGIN SHORTLY)

Chapter Nine

   

Hayden,

   

   Hawaii is incredible. I can't believe I didn't come here sooner. Kalani has been an amazing host and I couldn't have asked for a better tour guide of Honolulu. You remember her, she's the one who came to visit in the spring. She asked about you, I told her everything. I even told her about the letters, making her the only person outside of the experimenters to know about these. Yet another person who knows before you.

    I was going through one of my bags, looking for a tape you'd given me to show her they were real when I came across the last one you ever made for me. When I left, I made sure to take all of them, and I just kept them around even after we ended things.

   You gave it to me the night before I was leaving for Sweden. I'd spent the last three days with you, making up for lost time before I had to go. Halfway through that last day my parents had called and wanted me home, they wanted a share of my day too. It was the first and last time my mother ever kicked you out of our house.

   But you wouldn't have it. As soon as you knew my parents were asleep, you came knocking on my window. I couldn't help but find it hilarious, I kept giggling at how incredibly cheesy you were being. "We're not characters in the next big drama, you know!"

   "Oh shut up," you grinned, then gave me a quick peck, "put on your shoes, we're going on a little adventure."

   I didn't even think twice, right behind you I went.

   You took me to the same place we went to after our first date. We drove out to the same dark area, parked in the same spot, opened up the windows, and climbed onto the top of the car the exact same way.

   I had chosen a new tape I didn't recognize to play, laying on our backs looking up at the sky. The stars were just as magnificent as I'd remembered them. We talked about everything that night. We discussed our hopes, our fears, and our dreams. We went over every promise we'd made, every phone call we'd planned out, and every time zone difference we were going to have to deal with.

    You saw a shooting star, so you took my hand and pointed right where it was, trying to get me to finally see one.

   I held your hand in mine, playing with your fingers, trying to memorize every part of it to hold onto for the next few months.

   "Hey," you started, and waited until I looked at you, "are you friends with Miley Cyrus and didn't tell me, by any chance?"

   I laughed, and shook my head. "Where in the world did that come from?"

   "She must've somehow overheard us talking," you said, getting up from your place and turning off the tape, "have you not heard her new song?"

   "No?" I said, making my answer sound more like a question as well.

   You grabbed your phone, typed something into it, and placed it between our heads.

   Both of us were quiet the entire four minutes the song was playing, letting the lyrics soak in. As soon as the song ended, I burst into a hysterical bout of giggles. "Holy shit, Miley Cyrus stalked us."

   The tune to Love Story by Taylor Swift began playing next and I couldn't help but start laughing even harder, and I felt you chuckling along with me.

   "What can I say?" You said between breaths, "You've rubbed off on me."

    I began singing along, my horrid voice not a concern around you anymore, but you were quiet. You burrowed your head into my shoulder, just holding me as close to you as possible.

   There was a quiet moment in between the songs, you got up suddenly and offered me your hand. "Trust me."

   So I did, I got up, and the strumming of the guitar of the next song started playing, while you wrapped your arms around me and held me as close as possible, swaying to the music.

   Neither of us said anything as the singer crooned "she is love, and she is all I need" over and over again, so I rested my head on your chest and started crying.

   "Hey, hey, no hon, don't cry." You pulled away and bent down to my level to get me to look at you, which made me just start crying harder. You laughed nervously and hugged me tightly. "I'm the one that should be sad here, you're going on an adventure!"

   "Please don't fall in love with anyone else while I'm away," I whispered, barely audible over the music. But you heard me, you always did.

   "Of course not," you said, almost offended. You kept eye contact with me, trying to prove to me that you're serious with your words, "you're the only one for me."

   You took me back on top of your car and I cuddled up to you, almost never wanting that moment to end.

   I finally saw my first shooting star. You will always be the one I think of when one shoots past.

   After what felt like mere moments, I looked at the time. We somehow managed to stay out until 3 in the morning. You noticed it too, "I should get you home. You're going to the airport at 6, aren't you?"

   I nodded but didn't move. I didn't want the night to end, I didn't want to leave you. But you had me get up anyway and you drove me back home.

   "Come inside with me, my parents won't mind, I promise," I begged, but you just smiled and gave me a quick kiss.

   "I need to go home real quick," you said, a sad tone overtaking your words. I began objecting, but you put a finger to my mouth to stop me from saying anything.

   "I'll meet you at the airport like we've discussed, alright?" you gave me a tight hug, then released me. You began looking for something in your pockets, then you gave me the tape with a little envelope stuck to it. "Listen to this only when you get there, okay?"

   "Okay," I whispered, and you kissed me again, with an urgency that could only mean one thing. It was something I couldn't decipher then, but I completely understood now: it was your goodbye.

   Before I knew it, I was at the airport. I waited and waited, but you never came. I waited as long I could, but it wasn't long enough. I tried calling you, but it went straight to voicemail. They told us to board the flight and I started panicking. I kept calling, my persistence never wavering, while I found my seat, while everyone else found theirs, and while we waited to move.

   They told us to turn off our phones, so I tried one last time to no avail. I turned off my phone and sat there, trying so hard not to cry. It was when I was looking for my earphones in my carry on about an hour later that I remembered the letter you had stuck to the tape you'd given me. I grabbed it and made my way to the tiny airplane bathroom, hoping and praying there was some sort of explanation. I locked the door, closed the toilet seat, and opened your letter.

   

Alexis,

   I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for not showing up like I promised. I couldn't do it, I couldn't say goodbye. This way I can guarantee you'll go, but not have to see you leaving me.

   I know I hurt you, and there's no excuse for that. I hope you'll forgive me, I understand if you don't.

   I made you a playlist, the back of this letter details more about that.

   I'm not good with words, so I'll just leave it at that. I love you, Alexis. I hope you never doubt that.

- Hayden

   

   I crumpled up that piece of paper and put it back into my pocket. Then I let the tears fall.

   It was so selfish, Hayden. You didn't give me a chance to say goodbye. I know I said I forgave you, but I don't think I ever will, not completely at least. I didn't deserve to start this new chapter of my life sad, all I wanted was a real goodbye.

   

Alexis.