Yours, Alexis Harding (MAJOR EDITS WILL BEGIN SHORTLY)

Chapter One

   

   Dear Hayden Daugherty,

    

   I feel ridiculous doing this. I don't know how in the world this is supposed to help with anything, but hey! I needed the money to keep traveling, this experiment came up and I was the perfect candidate. "Wanted: Women aged 16-22 to participate in letter writing psychology experiment," the ad had read, "starting immediately, $20 an hour."   

   Obviously, I had to contact them. I was desperate, and this was good money if I could stretch out the time I spend with them, which you know wouldn't be so hard for me with how distracted I get and how much I babble. So I took it. All I needed to do is write these letters to you and the more I write, the more one-hour sessions to sit through for analysis. Fair trade, huh? Turns out, they were looking for girls who needed help getting over someone. I'm the perfect candidate since I never really got over you. I miss you, Hayden. I can't believe I never really reached out to you before now. I guess staying away from social media as a whole helps in staying away for as long as I have.

      My first session with the experimenters was this morning. I could hear them whisper to each other as I explained my situation. I was one of the three most promising subjects apparently, I was one of three women in this experiment who fell in love pretty hard and has yet to move on. I don't think they realized I could feel their pity through their whispers and gazes. Not many people peg me as the observant type and I guess these 'researchers' didn't either.

    I noticed earlier it's been a year since we spoke last. I was in Paris still back then, it was when we broke up. Did I tell you I'm in Australia now? I don't know if you already know that, but I am. Right after new year's I took off to Asia and just recently decided to stay in Australia for a while before flying home to Seattle. God knows how long this will take, but I'm almost ready to come back and face reality. There's so much that I've left unfinished, and I owe it to myself to tie up those loose ends.

    Sometimes, I wonder if you ever wake up and think about where in the world I could be. Other times, I could almost swear I saw you in the street. But then I'd hear him speak a language I know you wouldn't speak, and realize I'm just reflecting my inner desires.

   I think a lot about that, though. I always ask myself what I would do, but I never have the same answer, but I know for a fact if I ever did see you again, I would want to make amends. That's only the ideal reaction, who knows if you would ever give me the time of day. I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to talk to me again.

    I feel like I'm all over the place with this letter, nothing is of real importance, and I doubt I'm making much sense. I feel weird about it too, I have no idea what's happening in your life. I don't know how you're going to react to this letter. Would it be fair to send it to you at all? Probably not, but we'll see what happens.

    I found one of the tapes you gave me when this all started, and it had me thinking a lot about how life has changed. I'm curious what it's been like for you. The first song was one I don't think I will ever associate with anyone else but you. For some reason, you thought He Could Be The One from the third Hannah Montana album would be a great addition to the tape. It wasn't a song you'd choose yourself, but you listened to it with me a million times over on long car rides as I screeched all the lyrics at you. I even caught you humming the tune a few times, but I never said anything. I'm sure you still get some Hannah Montana or High School Musical songs stuck in your head sometimes. I can't stop smiling at the thought.

    I watched Sherlock the other day, the new season we'd wanted to watch together. I kept delaying watching it because I wanted to do it with you, like old times. I knew there was no way that would happen, but the denial was a little bit too strong. Then one day, I just decided it was time. I remember watching the first three seasons that one weekend with you, and somehow I felt like you were still right there next to me watching this one. I could almost hear your comments at every passing scene. I felt your presence so vividly that it had me aching every time I looked over and you weren't there.

   A year later already... I miss you so much, and I feel guilty for it. You deserve so much better, you deserve someone who stayed. I have no right to feel the way I am, but I do. It's my own fault we're not together. I shouldn't be so self-loathing, since in a way it was so good for me to travel as much as I have, to grow as a person, but God damn it, Hayden... I miss you more than anything else in the world.

   It's a random thought, but I wonder what you're up to right about now. I know you're still friends with Mom on Facebook, and I know she posts the pictures of me that I email her all the time. You're bound to hear about one of my adventures through a post of hers, we both know where I got my tendency to babble from... I should ask her about you, see how you're doing.

   I was the one that ended things, but I always wished you would have fought for me. I think you know that if you did, I would have come home. So you let me go... Even though I miss you, I can't thank you enough.

   Thank you, Hayden... From the bottom of my heart.

   

   Yours,

   Alexis Harding.