Stable Connection

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty -Two

Jon’s POV

                I collapsed down on my bed once I made it back up into my apartment; it literally took everything I had not to turn around and run right back to Lina. My head was still spinning with what happened; my mind not able to fully wrap around the events that just unfolded in the room below me. The moment that I had been waiting for, dreaming about for what feels like forever, that moment just happened but it was all wrong; nothing went like I wanted it to, I ruined everything. I was so caught up in the moment that I didn’t allow myself to break away when I should of; instead of pulling away from her I pulled her closer, I deepened the kiss, I couldn’t get enough of her. I can only imagine the mixed feelings she was getting from me right now; how I didn’t respond at first, then I responded more than I should have, then I all but pushed her away. I had to, I had to push her away; I wasn’t good for her, I wasn’t right for her; it was hard to keep telling myself that when in that moment when we were connected, when our lips molded together as one, all I felt was right, nothing about that moment felt wrong.

                I had no idea Lina even liked me like that; did she like me like that or was it just the alcohol talking? She seemed pretty upset when I told her that we couldn't be together so I could only assume that she really did like me. What was I going to do now? I felt like a complete ass turning her down; I never wanted to turn her down, hell I wanted her more than I have ever wanted anything but I’m not good enough for her, or at least I don’t feel like I am. If she really does like me does that mean that maybe I am good enough for her, or at least could be? God it was so hard to just sit up here and not go running back down to her; I wanted to just pull her into my arms and never let her go. I wanted nothing more than to be with her, to love her forever but could that ever happen? Would her father ever let that happen?

                She told me not to look down on myself when I told her that I wasn’t good enough for her; did she not see how bad my past was, did she not see all things that I had done before I came here? I wonder if she even knows about half of it; her and my father were close so I would assume that he would have told her most of it if not everything. Was she really willing to just look past it all and see me for who I am now; for who I have become? The more I thought about the brief moment we had together the more I craved more of her touch; I wanted to be with her and clearly she wanted to be with me to. Maybe I was just over thinking my whole past, maybe since I moved on from that I became a better person than I imagine myself as. I wanted to be a better person, I was striving to be a better person; I knew that if I was with Lina I would make sure that I stayed a batter person, stayed the person that I have worked so hard to become.

                With all the thinking I have been doing lately about how I’m not and will never be good enough for her is it possible that I missed who I really am, who I really became? Maybe I was wrong about it all; maybe I really was good enough to be with her. What would her father think about it; what would her family think? Would they accept me like she has or would they only see the bad things from my past? So far I have never got the feeling from Thomas or Katherine that they think anything bad about me, they have treated me like family since the first day I arrived here. Lina’s right I do need to stop thinking so low of myself; I’m not the same person I used to be, I’m better, and I will only continue to get better. If I could really have Lina as part of my life then I know I would never stray back to my old life; I would never do anything to jeopardize a life with her. Now the only question is will she still have me; will she still want to be with me after I turned her down tonight?

                I tried to push all the thoughts to the back of my mind and get some sleep; I had a plan in my mind of what I was going to do but I couldn’t put it in motion until tomorrow. Once I worked out all the details then there would be the matter of seeing if Lina would be willing to give me the chance to prove to her that I want her, that I need her. I drift off to sleep with thoughts of a future with Lina; when I woke up the next morning I was quick to shower and head downstairs to see if I could put the first part of my plan into action. When I made it down to the barn I took a quick look in the tack room and seen that Lina was still sleeping; making my way into the office I was happy to see Thomas was already there at his desk, it was time to start phase one. If this phase didn’t go well then the rest of the plan was basically trashed but I knew this was the most important step and hopefully I could convince Thomas that I would be enough for his daughter, that we would be good together, that we would be right for each other.