Loving The Mafia ✅

41. Fighting The End

I looked in the mirror, noticing my belly's gotten a little big and it was getting more and more noticeable that I was pregnant, even though I was four months in. But I could still see my feet. I had a doctors' appointment next week and I was supposedly learning gender and development. I kinda didn't want to know gender yet, though. I felt extremely tired literally every moment of every day, and I took three naps a day. I can barely keep my eyes open.

These past few days, Cristiano has been trying to keep me happy and himself happy by forgetting the elephant in the room, but when we're just sitting in a room in silence, we're both obviously thinking about it.

He came up behind and wrapped his arms around me. "Good morning, my favorite people."

I grinned as he kissed the back of my head. "Morning, on behalf of our baby."

"Happy birthday, and merry Christmas, angel." He turned me around and pecked my lips, holding my hands.

I giggled, even though this day was just a reminder that is have to break up with him soon. "Thank you. It's four in the morning, do you honestly think everyone is up?"

"Definitely not. The only other person who'd be awake right now, is Zach. That's just because he has the mentality of a five year old on occasions such as Christmas."

"He's not that childish." I said, lying just to back him up.

"I call bullshit on that statement." He led me out of the room and downstairs, into the living room where I'd convinced everyone to let me decorate everything. They only disagreed because of the fact that I was pregnant and they didn't want me to be on my feet too much. I'm literally only four months in, not seven months in. But I know it's still important, it just bugs me.

"You went...all out."

"I was bored, and I love celebrating Christmas more than my actual birthday. And would you say that I'm weird if I said that 75% of the presents here are from me?"

"All of these? There are at least forty presents here, they take up half the living room. Damn." He chuckled, stepping over boxes to get to the couch.

"Well there are a lot of people who live here. The only other person who got tons of presents is Marcella and let me just tell you--she's stoked that we're having Roseros."

"She acts like you're having Roseros tomorrow. She's the only woman I've ever known who's excited and ready to be a nonna at 46 years old." He shook his head, pulling me to sit in his lap. I laid against his chest and he kissed my forehead.

Then it was silent. Another moment passed where we were both thinking about the thing keeping us from being completely normal together. It felt like a void whenever these moments passed, like for a second we weren't together and we didn't want to be near each other. I hated these moments.

And I was tired of these moments. I was so sick of spending every day of the past three months worrying about this man not loving me. Breaking up isn't good for us having a baby, but stress isn't good for the mother or the child.

I gathered all of my guts and courage, thinking about the confession to come out of my mouth. This wasn't apart of the plan. I was about to fuck everything up on Christmas morning, but hey. It's better fucking everything up with my boyfriend rather than fiancé. That's a horrible way of putting things.