to all the glowing eyes ✎ joshler

october 20

will;

anxiety is different for everyone.

just like how each person interprets art differently, i feel like that's a way to explain anxiety too.

it affects our every day lives; appearing out of nowhere and ruining everything until it goes away temporarily.

for me, it's overthinking and believing awful things about myself.

one of them could be that i annoy everyone even if i haven't spoken a word to any person at school for what seems like a full month.

in my anxiety driven mind, i'm not good enough to talk to people. even saying 'sorry' if i accidentally bump into someone can lead to a breakdown during sixth period.

my anxiety is mainly why i really began to write to you.

i can tell my feelings without any sort of anxiety making me regret what i write. i know that i'm okay for you since, well, you're a bunch of pages stuck together.

does that make sense?

a few hours ago, i had to give out an essay for mr. sanders' class. the essay was about bees getting endangered, i actually liked how it turned out.

on my way to class and once there, i checked and rechecked that my homework was in my bag. every few seconds i opened my backpack and looked for it.

if i had a to-do list, that simple task would've been checked off at least a hundred times.

i wonder...how will this affect my love life?

not that i have one or ever will have one, but it's my overthinking brain who's speaking now.

god, my partner will be so sick and tired of me in the first week of being together.

i can already see the text spams i'll send asking things like:
-why aren't you answering?
-it's been 10 minutes
-are you okay?
-did i say something bad?
-i'm sorry for whatever i did or didn't do

..i'm going to die alone, won't i?

eff you, anxiety. you're the worst and i hope you die.

t.r.j

„"„

josh doesn't stop staring at tyler in mr. jefferson's class. he has found a loving appreciation for the boy.

he is planning on asking him to hang out after school one day. but how can he do it without sounding like a prank or something?

"alright, you're going to have a project about the roman empire due next month. it's going to be really hard and extensive so i'll let you pick a partner to split the work. if any of your partners refuses to cooperate, tell me and the grade only goes to you,"mr. jefferson says as he gives out the requirements and specifications for the project. how convenient.

"go pick a partner and organize yourselves. then come and tell me your teams so i can keep track of them."

josh doesn't waste time on getting up and walking up to tyler. he sensed collette would ask him, so he got out of that situation as soon as possible.

"h-hi,"tyler stutters when he notices the older boy standing next to his seat.

"you wanna be my partner?"

"what? m-me? really?!"

the sparks in his eyes makes josh's heart flutter and have butterflies in his stomach. damn is this sophomore the purest thing alive. "of course. i know you probably would end up alone and i'd hate to see that. these jerks are the worst."

"thanks..? i guess."

"so, we can get together tomorrow? my place after soccer practice?"

a slight crimson red blush dusts over tyler's cheeks. "s-sounds good. can i stay during practice and i go with you? my parents probably won't be able to pick me up until like 9 pm."

"why not. that'll be fun."

smiling; josh decides right then and there that whenever he spends time with tyler, he's going to try to make him smile. "it will."

{🌹💌🌹}

i missed writing this story

i have my little cousin's 4th b-day party tomorrow (today as i'm posting this) and tbh i'm just going for the cake

-alaska