Coming Home //LS// Back 10/13/17

Chapter Three

    "Lou, everyone wants to see you," my mum tells me through the crack she opened in my door. Being back in my old bedroom brings back memories that haunted me while I was away. After I came home crying, Mum led me here and I've been laying down crying since. I did, at one point, call my therapist to talk over what just happened. Usually he helps, this time he didn't.

"I can't face them. I can't." I'm still crying, but my breathing has calmed a little. I can't look at her so I'm facing away from my door, looking out the window. The trees are still moving with the wind, still shaking. I feel like the trees.

I hear her sigh before saying, "It's just your sisters and Dan. Please, they just miss you. I told them not to bring up anything else." The way she says "else" I can tell she's just trying to say, "They won't talk about how much you fucked up." I sigh getting out of bed, I'm sure I look terrible. Tears stain my cheeks and my hair sticks up everywhere, I feel like I just fell into a ditch. I walk slowly, following her down the rugged stairs and holding tight to the rail so I don't fall.

We walk through the doorway to the living space after getting to the bottom of the stairs. When I walk in I look down so I don't have to see their faces. Knowing everything will be different, that my sisters have grown so much, it hurts. I see feet walking toward me and I finally look up. Staring right into my eyes is Lottie, and she looks so much older. She's crying too when she hugs me so we're both soaking each other's shirts with tears. Someone else joins and when I look it's Fizzy. "I'm sorry," I whisper to them, "I'm so sorry."

***

Everything is nearly back to normal for us by the time dinner is done. We're laughing again and joking around, everyone stepping around the elephant in the room. It's almost like I didn't pick up and leave my family, but I know I did and I can't change that.

Right now we are cleaning up dinner and it feels great to be home. Well, as close to home as I'll  be. "No I swear she's crazy!" Right now Lottie is catching me up on some of the drama that went through our small town while I was gone. She and Fizzy go to Uni about an hour away, but they, unlike me, were always in touch and visiting. "She drank four of 'em in a row!" Of course it's all funny and light hearted.

"I can imagine, Beth was always a party animal. Not even old age can stop her," I reply. We all chuckle and before I can really think, I'm asking something I probably shouldn't, "So who was that with Harry this afternoon?"

Silent.

I play with my fingers and look around at everyone while they all avoid my eyes. I know what's coming, or so I think, because when I hear the word husband whispered out, my jaw drops. Husband. Harry Edward Styles- well no, that wouldn't be his name anymore would it?- Harry Edward Whatever-His-Name-Is is married now, and it's not to me.
Suddenly I'm reminded of six years ago, before I even knew I had to go, cuddled up right next to Harry watching X-Files online. He was complaining about how the show wasn't living up to expectations and I- I was nodding along holding in chuckles thinking about how I could listen to him go on about anything forever. The look on his face when he talked made his eyebrows furrow and his lips were pouty and God was I in love.

When I'm pulled out of the memory it's to hands wiping tears off my face and everyone reassuring me in hushed tones. What can they really reassure though? I thought maybe, okay Harry has a boyfriend and once I talk to him they can break it off, but that isn't going to happen. Married means this bond is deep, who knows how deep considering I've been away, and it's much harder to break off.

Harry being married sets off so many alarms in my head, the biggest one was that there was a small child there with them. I push away from everyone hugging me and through my tears I see all of their worried faces. I can't worry about that, though. "Is- is there anything else?" I stutter out. I know I don't want it to be true, but I need to know now.

Fizzy replies to me, "No. Well, maybe?" She looks around at everyone else to see if she should let go of this piece of information. I look at her with pleading eyes, my heart almost beating out of my chest. "It's just that, Lou they're looking at adoption agencies."

At this point I'm numb, but I have to know, "Do they already have a kid? I- I saw one at, um, at lunch." I let my voice fade out knowing it's too weak to elaborate anymore anyway.

The response I get with that question are four furrowed eyebrows before Lottie says, "You mean Gemma's daughter?" My eyes go wide, but I feel a huge puff of air leave my chest. The only good thing to come out of this: Harry isn't a father yet. Yet. "You thought she was Harry's?" She has the nerve to laugh.

"Well it's not like I've been around! And- and you just told me they were looking into adopting, so it's not like I'm far off!" I all but yell. Looking back I'll feel like I had the right to be angry, but in this moment I look down ashamed. "Listen I just, I don't know how long they've been... married, but given the information I was it was my first assumption." I sit back down on the couch, distancing myself a bit from everyone.

"I'm sorry, Louis. I didn't mean to laugh, it's just, she's five. Of course he didn't adopt only a year after you had left. I'm, uh, I'm not sure if this'll be better for you to know or not, they've been married for almost two years," Lottie explains. I see Mum glaring but all I can think about is the math of it all. It had been about four years after I left. I can see that, I realize, I shouldn't have been so naive to think he would wait for me, hell I didn't know if I was coming back.

Shaking my head I get up again, wiping my tears as go. I walk up the stairs saying something about needing to get to sleep early, which isn't a lie really because I need a lot of rest every night until I'm fully recovered, or that's what my therapist says. When I get to the top of the stairs and make it into my room I shut the door and stand there. It's bittersweet that my room hasn't changed one bit since I left to live with Harry at 17, Harry being 15 at the time, but we were so sure it would last. What went wrong?

I go over to the corner of my room and gently touch the picture hanging on the wall there, like I'm scared it'll disappear if I disturb it too much. It's a picture of me at 18 and Harry at 16. Round cheeks, hair a curly mess, but both of us happy as ever. I sigh letting my hand drop with my heart. I walk back over to my bed getting in once again and covering myself up all the way to my chin as if that'll hide me from the cruel world I've found myself in. I hear the talking, like they're trying to be quiet so I don't know they're talking about me. I can't hear the words, but knowing the subject is enough to make it feel like I'm sinking into my bed, like it could swallow me whole. I shut my eyes and wait for a sleep that doesn't come, and I know the lack of sleep will not help me, but I can't be bothered about that right now. Not with the thoughts swirling around my mind, the pain of the last six years stinging like a cut.

A/N: Just wanted to put out there that I have an insta now @larents4life so. There's that. Also this story is on Archive Of Our Own username fangirlforever! Cool cool.