Chills

twenty

It's like the memories and flash forwards are coming more frequent now. I'm barely here anymore. That's what it feels like anyways. At the beginning, in between every memory I'd end up back here. Now I get two or three memories in between.

I think my body is slowly dying and this white place knows it so it's slapping me across the face with all these memories and the flash forwards. It wants me to see everything before I go.

I guess they're right when they say your life flashes before your eyes before you die. Mine just took longer because I'm still in a coma.

They just never tell you that you live through all the painful memories again. Of course no one would ever guess that either because everyone only wants to focus on the positive. I bite my bottom lip.

I used to be one of those people...

I tilt my head and squint against the blinding nothing. I sigh and cross my arms over my chest.

Not anymore.

I've changed since when I was alive. I've learned a lot, even suffered, and I'm really hoping that I get a second chance at life. I'd completely change my ways of doing things and I'd even do stuff I would've never even have thought of before. I would live life to the fullest, love with all my heart and forgive everyone who has ever crossed me.

I just need to wake up.

I'm scared of dying and ceasing to exist but I'm even more terrified of going back. Not necessarily scared of doing all the things I've just said--mostly just going back to Robby.

I know I'm desperate to get to him and I'm fighting super hard to do so but what would happen when I see Robby again? I feel like it'd be awkward. He wouldn't know that I know what he's been up to while I was in a coma. It's obvious that Robby's given in to Clarissa seducing him but what would he say when I open my eyes?

That it was a mistake? I'm the only one for him? He thought I was going to die?

On the other hand, what would I tell him? Would I confess everything I've wanted to tell him since the baby? Would I have enough courage? Maybe because I'd never take advantage of the time we have anymore.

I understand now that life is short and that life can be taken away from you in a split second. You never know when your last breath will be and what last words will come out of your mouth. It's best to just spit it out when you have the chance.

Robby would probably do the same, too. Technically I've already heard his apologies but it'd be great to be able to respond to him and him actually being able to hear me. I want to cry until all the water has been drained from my body and I want him to wrap his arms around me and comfort me. I've always felt safer in Robby's arms and now that he'd actually talk to me it'd be like the old times.

He'll be just like my old Robby, the one I fell head-over-heels in love with.

Images of my beloved Robby flash before my eyes. Then a more recent one suddenly pops up in my mind and I'm bitterly reminded that I need to get Clarissa out of the picture before I have my Robby back.

How much longer do I have to do that though? I'm already super tight on time. I know I need to do this quick or I'll just disappear and Robby will be stuck with Clarissa forever.

I've been waiting patiently for a memory or a flash forward for what feels like centuries. I tried thinking Clarissa but that didn't work this time so I have no other choice than to wait it out. Robby's inspirational words ring in my ears.

"Ivree, I believe in you."

If Robby has hope for us still then I can't give up. I'll have to die before someone stops me from completing this goal. I wince at that thought.