Every Bad Thing

Chapter Thirty-Five

I was a coward. 

As soon as I could feel my legs again, I ran. I ran away from the club, away from him. I didn't have to think twice. Seeing him made me feel so many emotions at the same time. I felt pain, yearning, shame... but most of all, seeing him scared me. 

It's like watching a nightmare play out and it was made just for me. Nothing could have prepared me for it. 

Seeing him triggered several unpleasant thoughts in my head. I was afraid of what his reaction will be. I was afraid that he'll see me and pretend that he didn't. I was afraid that he'll look at me with nothing but abhorrence. I was afraid that he'll see me and act like four years ago didn't happen at all. I was afraid. Period.

Four years and I still wasn't ready. I sometimes let myself dream of what will happen if we meet someday. I dreamed that our paths will cross once we're both successful... that when we meet, I'll be able to match his achievements and make him proud with my successes. But it doesn't take long before reality comes and shatter that dream. And after that, the unwanted scenarios start to drown my mind.

The whole night, I thought of him. Questions uncontrollably swarmed inside my head. I couldn't stop it. What is he doing in a club? Is he a frequent guest? Does he love going to clubs now? Impossible... I would have seen him sooner if he goes to club as often as I do. We would have met sooner! But... if he didn't see me now, then it's possible that there were times that I didn't see him too.

And who's the girl he's with? Are they together? Is he serious with her?Is that his... My heart painfully throbbed. Just the mere thought of him, finding someone new... I couldn't take it. Parang paulit-ulit na sinasaksak ang iniisip ko sa tuwing maiisip ko na may iba siya. 

Ano pa ba sa tingin mo, L? You think he'll stay single forever? That he can't move on from you? After what you did? That he'd stay foolishly in love with you? After breaking his heart and cheating with his best friend? That he'd be stuck just like you?

A small part of me hoped... But another part of me knew how impossible it was. If I saw him enjoying a kiss with some girl in a hidden place, especially a friend of mine, forgiveness will be the last thing to cross my mind. 

I bit my lip. Fuck. Who am I kidding? If I saw him enjoying a kiss with some girl, I'd be enraged. I'll hurt him and the girl he's kissing. Maybe I'll stay for months or a year. But I will still... a hundred percent... accept Silas. Because hating him is harder than loving him. For him, I'd forgive. 

The next days weren't as hard as I thought. Hindi naman ako mahilig gumastos kaya hindi ko ramdam ang pagbawas ng monthly allowance ko. My car... Well, Orion had always been my personal driver and I'm asking rides from my siblings now, too. Iyon nga lang ay kapag hindi sila available ay kinakailangan kong mag-Uber.

I was in deep thoughts until a loud kiss planted on my cheek. I got startled on my seat and quickly looked for the person who just stole a kiss from me. I immediately found a boyishly grinning Seth.

I looked around the coffee shop I was in to see if there are familiar faces around. Mahirap na. Nakahinga naman ako nang maluwag nang makita na wala naman pamilyar at mukhang wala rin naman nakapasin.

"You're sneaky." I playfully squinted my eyes at him.

He reached for my hand across the table. My eyes dropped to it as he interlocked our fingers together. It felt like a casual contact to me. I felt nothing.

"I missed you." he softly said with his annoyingly enchanting voice. I brought my eyes back to his. He's staring at me with sincere adoration. A small smile tipped on my lips.

"Okay." I lifted my free hand and placed my elbow on top of the elbow, supporting my chin with my palm. 

His forehead creased. "Okay with what?"