Sinful [malexmale]

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Twenty-Nine

"Hey, Rave, it's Dev again. Listen, could you please call me back? I'm starting to freak out and Jaques refuses to let me go near the palace. Please, call me back. I'm sorry."

Beep.

I sighed and rolled over, burying my face against my pillow and pulling the blankets up over my head as I curled up into a tight ball under the blankets. My head ached from yet another vicious hangover, my whole body throbbed with this strange demented mixture of pain and desire, and I wasn't about to have Jaques burst in again on me while I was naked and sprawled on my bed trying to train myself to take Dev.

Basically, I'd been reduced back to a pathetic lump that didn't want to do anything or go near anyone. It was stupid and selfish and miserable, but it was so hard to muster up the strength to do anything, except shower and maybe eat a little bit. I felt horribly guilty for what I'd done to Dev, what I was doing to Dev.

He called me sixteen times since I left his apartment the other night. I expected him to be angry with me, to send me angry voice mails, but all of them sounded so desperate and fearful and I felt awful for not responding to him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was so humiliated and depressed.

How could I have done that to him? I'm the one that instigated it. I'm the one that wanted to do it. I'm the one who started it. Then I turned around and just destroyed everything by having a mental breakdown right there in front of him with my legs spread. He hadn't even touched me yet. Just tickled my thighs and I was already preparing for the worst.

I was so pathetic.

It had felt so great up until that moment. I didn't even mind giving him head or swallowing him at all. I felt oddly thrilled by the idea. Even after I had managed to push Julius's voice out of my head. But the moment I was on my back and exposed, everything came crashing back all at once. I couldn't even lay there and take it. How could that be? Julius had hammered every technique into my head and by the time eight months had passed with him, I could have sex with two men at once and not cry. Three men was pushing it, but two? I could handle that. I could.

But then with Dev, everything shattered. My defenses crashed to pieces and my fear came boiling out before I could even stop it. And I had tried so hard. In the end, I was the same cowardly bitch Julius had spent months breaking down piece by piece.

My cell phone rang again and I groaned, grabbing my pillow and covering my head with it, not that it blocked out the sound of it ringing anyway. I just laid there with my teeth clenched as the ring went on and on before the voice mail finally picked it up.

"Bunny, this is Anza. I know you're there probably hiding in bed, so if you don't pick up, I'mma go over there and open a can o' Southern whoop ass on you, ya hear?" She warned. I rolled my eyes and stuck my head out from under the pillow, grabbing my cell off the edge of the bed and answering it as I hooked it to my ear.

"Anza, leave me alone."

"Ain't no way, bunny. What's up? Dev called me." She added. My momentary cesspool of depression broke open as fury took place.

"Oh, that's great," I said venomously, "Who else did he tell? The media? Should I expect this on a huge projection screen too?"

"Now you stop that. He didn't tell me no details no matter how much I asked. He just said you weren't feeling well and it was his fault and I'm callin' to check the damages. Now what'd he do?"

"It wasn't his fault, Anza," I sighed miserably, tossing my pillow aside and rolling over onto my back to stare up at the ceiling as my anger faded into self-loathing, "I did something really stupid. I just want to wallow in booze for a while longer. Is that too much to ask?"