The Entirely Truthful Observation Records of My Extra Ordinary Family

14: Disappointment sucks doesn't it?

Knitting

I first became interested in knitting when I started high school. I bought all the materials and attempted to learn how to knit through watching online videos. Although I started off okay, I couldn't figure out how the second needle involved so I asked my mom for help.

Me: Mom, you know how to knit right?

Mrs. Ordinary: Yeah, back in my day, all girls knew how to knit.

Me: Can you show me how I move on from here?

[She takes the materials from me and begins to knit at an expert pace.]

Mrs. Ordinary: See it's just like this.

Me: Could you slow that down? I can't follow that at all.

[She shows me the movements again at light-speed.]

Mrs. Ordinary: It's simple. You just do this and this. Do you get it now?

Me: Get what, mom?! Your hands are literally a blur right now!

Mrs. Ordinary [still moving inhumanly fast]: It's just like this and then this and then bam a full second stitch!

Me: Mom, can't you do it any slower???

Mrs. Ordinary [struggling to slow down]: I can't get the steps right if I don't do it at this pace...

Eventually I gave up on asking for her help and turned to my grandmother who contrastly, could only move slowly.

Lipstick

Me [trying on an orange red lipstick]: Does this colour look good on me? I've been wanting to get a new lipstick.

Still: It's perfect.

Me: Really?

Still: Uh huh. It's perfect if you were tying to achieve the "I didn't wipe my mouth after eating cheese chips" look.

Me: ...

Scale

[The Ordinarys at Niagara Falls]

[Still, age 11; me, age 13]

Still: I can't believed you guys dragged me all the way here to see running water. I could have just turned on the tap at home.

Me: It's the scale. If our tap at home was as big as Niagara Falls, I'm sure we'd be a tourist attraction too.

[A few months later at a concert]

Me: You know that guy I was telling you about? Yeah when I got better look at him, he wasn't as good looking as I had thought.

Still: It's the scale.

Seed

Passerby: Remember son, you have to spit out the grapes' seeds. If you accidentally swallow the seeds of a fruit, a tree will grow in your tummy!

Me [rolling my eyes]: Why do parents always tell their kids that? Wouldn't it be better just to tell them the truth like hey son, seeds aren't meant to be eaten so don't eat them? Why make up some elaborate lie?

Mr. Ordinary: I remember being told that as a child too. It actually encouraged me to swallow the seeds because I really wanted a tree to grow inside of me. I thought it'd be a good way to make money.

Me: How would having a tree inside you help you make money?

Mr. Ordinary: I thought that if the tree bore fruit, I'd be able to sell them for profit. Think about it, the costs would be low since I wouldn't have to pay for land, soil or water. My body would provide all of the nutrients that the tree would need and the cost of seeds alone is cheap.

Me: ...What made you think people would want to buy fruit that had been produced inside you?

Mr. Ordinary: Yeah, that's why I eventually had to give up on that dream...

Me [with knitted eyebrows]: I can't tell if that story makes you seem enterprising and clever or gullible and dim...

Mr. Ordinary [wiggling eyebrows]: I'd like to think that it's a story about how my dreams didn't come to fruition.

Me: ...

Mr. Ordinary: Sorry, that was a little seedy wasn't it?

Me: Ugh, I'm leaving. [Turning away]

Mr. Ordinary [calling out after me]: Don't leave, Very! Those puns will grow on you eventually!

Me: Dad, you've soiled this conversation!

Mr. Ordinary: Ha! You're doing it too!

Me: Noooo! [Runs away]