The Entirely Truthful Observation Records of My Extra Ordinary Family

10: Must my own body betray me like this?

Fire

[Still, age 8; me, age 10]

Still: Why is it so cold inside the house?

Me: Because mom thinks we're using too much natural gas lately so she turned down the temperature.

Still: It's so cold though...Very, want to do me a favour and rub your hands together?

Me: Huh, why?

Still: Just do it.

Me [starting to rub my hands together]: Like this?

Still: Yeah but do it faster.

Me: How long do I have to do this for? I feel like a cartoon villain.

[After a minute]

Still: It's not working...

Me: What did you want to happen?

Still: Since your skin is so dry and scaly I thought that if you rubbed your hands together hard enough a fire would start.

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Scar

[Still, age 13; me, age 15]

Still: Woah dad, is that a bald spot?

Mr. Ordinary: B-bald spot? What are you talking about? It's just a small patch where hair no longer grows...it's a scar!

Still: A small patch where hair no longer grows is called a bald spot.

Mr. Ordinary: It's a scar!

Still: Oh really, where did you get it from?

Mr. Ordinary [turning away]: It's from a long time ago. I can't remember now!

Me: [In a small voice] I can't believe you're balding now...

Mr. Ordinary: I'm not balding! I have a normal amount of hair for a man of my age!

Me: Men of your age are prone to balding though...I think it's because of all the hats you wear. I read online that wearing hats often makes the scalp irritated and when the scalp is irritated, it's more likely to shed hair.

Mr. Ordinary: But if I take off the hats, people will see my scar...

Still: That's kind of sad. You have to wear hats to hide that you're balding but wearing hats just hastens the balding process. What a vicious cycle....

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Bandages

Sometimes my dad is so backwards when it comes to his health, he's almost beyond reason.

Me: Oh my god, dad where did you get that wound?!

Mr. Ordinary [off-handedly]: Oh, this? [Holding up his hand that has a bunch of angry red marks on it] A few of us were messing around at work and this sort of happened.

Me: Does it hurt still?

Mr. Ordinary: Not anymore.

Me [becoming frightened the more I look at his wounds]: Why didn't you put a bandage on it?!

Mr. Ordinary: Because bandages prevent proper healing. Wounds need to be exposed to air to heal properly.

Me: Where the heck did you hear that?

Mr. Ordinary: It's a fact among men!

Me: You're really going to leave it like that?

Mr. Ordinary: Uh huh, it's already stopped bleeding anyways.

[A week later Mr. Ordinary is taken to the doctor's for infected wounds.]

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Lemons

Still: Why are there random lemons in the freezer?

Me: I don't know, I thought you put them there.

Mr. Ordinary: Oh, they're mine. Just leave them there for now.

Me: What are they for?

Mr. Ordinary: I read an article online that says that if you blend a frozen lemon and eat it every day, you'll have good health.

[A week later all the lemons have gone brown and have been moved from the freezer to the fridge.]

Still: What happened to your frozen lemon thing, dad?

Mr. Ordinary: It couldn't be executed. After freezing the whole lemons, they became so hard that I couldn't even begin to blend them.