The Entirely Truthful Observation Records of My Extra Ordinary Family

8: You don't actually believe that do you?

Ceremony

While my dad isn't superstitious, his father, our grandfather was a big believer in supernatural things. So when he passed away, my father and his siblings all went back to their hometown and hired someone called a "funerary ceremonial master" to take care of the funerary proceedings. They hoped that under professional guidance they would be able to carry out the funeral in a way that would've satisfied our grandfather. The master told my dad's side of the family that they had to buy a fish and set it down the nearest stream. This was so that the soul of the deceased person would be able to flow away peacefully to the afterlife like the fish.

Master: That's the fish you're using as the ceremonial fish?

Mr. Ordinary: Yes, we found her fresh at the market this morning. Is there something wrong with it?

Master: It's too big!

Aunt Ordinary: Too big? We thought that bigger was better...Shouldn't we get our money's worth?

Master: No! If the fish is that big the transition to the afterlife won't be as smooth!

Mr. Ordinary: Oh...

[A few hours later]

Master [on the phone with the Ordinarys]: I consulted my prayer books. If I use this special prayer, the fish will be able to carry the soul smoothly regardless of its size. So where's the fish now?

Aunt Ordinary: ...In a pot...

Master: What's it doing in a pot?

Mr. Ordinary: Well you said that it was too big to be used and we didn't want to waste it so we made fish stew with it.

Master [shocked]: ...You made stew with the ceremonial fish?

Aunt Ordinary [embarrassed at his reaction]: ...Yes?

Master [after a long pause]: I don't think my prayer books have will have a solution for this...

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Elephant

My mom is also considerably superstitious; therefore, after hearing a family friend say that elephants with their trunks raised bring courage and good luck, she started to buy products with that elephant symbol everywhere. Within the span of two months, our entire house was filled with elephant themed merchandise.

Me: Do we really need this many elephant related products?

Mrs. Ordinary: It's for luck! My friend said that her boss gave her a hard time at work all the time until she bought an elephant plushie and put it on her desk. After that her boss was suddenly so much nicer! [Looking at Mr. Ordinary] You have an important meeting with a client today, right? Don't forget to bring that elephant talisman I got for you to the meeting alright?

Mr. Ordinary: Alright, alright.

[At the end of the day Mr. Ordinary comes home after a day of work]

Mrs. Ordinary: How did the meeting go? Why does your face look like that? Did it not go well? Did you remember to bring the talisman?

Mr. Ordinary [weary]: I remembered to bring the talisman.

Mrs. Ordinary: Then what happened?

Mr. Ordinary: I remembered the talisman but I forgot the file with the documents needed for the meeting...

Mrs. Ordinary:...On the bright side, you're safe and sound. You didn't get into an accident on the way home or anything. It's thanks to the elephant's blessing!

Mr. Ordinary: ...

Me: ...

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Lost

Mrs. Ordinary: It's an emergency! My elephant charm fell off of my bracelet!

Me [groggy]: Must you burst into my room at such an ungodly hour to say such unimportant things?

Mrs. Ordinary: Unimportant matter? It's a very important matter! We have to go look for it!

Me: Where would we even start?

Mrs. Ordinary: We'll just have to look everywhere!

[After turning the entire house upside down my mom was unable to find her charm.]

Mrs. Ordinary: Since I can't find it. I just won't leave the house until my replacement gets here?

Me: Seriously, mom? What about work?

Mrs. Ordinary: Is work important right now?!

Me: Uh yeah...how are you going to get a new elephant charm if you don't go work to make money for a new one?

Mrs. Ordinary: You're right...

In the end the charm was found in dad's car and returned to my mom when he got home from work. Thus, a crisis was averted. Until one of her elephant garden statues fell over anyways. Another fuss was kicked up when she discovered that.

[Mr. Ordinary stares at the cracked elephant]

Mr. Ordinary: You know, for a symbol of protection or whatever, it's sure weak against threats to itself.