The Entirely Truthful Observation Records of My Extra Ordinary Family

11: Am I missing something?

Pizza

Mrs. Ordinary: Oh Very, you're home. Come try this pizza I made.

Me: You made pizza by hand? Isn't it easier and cheaper to buy it?

Mrs. Ordinary: It is but I wanted a challenge for myself. I tried making a cheese pizza. I feel like it's still lacking something though. I'm not quite sure what it is though.

[I take a slice of pizza and bite into it.]

Me: Mom, this pizza doesn't have any tomato sauce in it.

Mrs. Ordinary: Yeah, I know.

Me: Mom, you just put cheese on dough. This is just glorified cheese bread. Basic cheese pizzas have a layer of tomato sauce on them.

Mrs. Ordinary [astonished]: Really? I've never noticed...

Me: How have you never noticed? It's underneath but it still peeks through the layer of cheese.

Mrs. Ordinary: I only ever order and eat four cheeses pizza so I've never really seen it.

Me: Don't you taste it though?

Mrs. Ordinary: I thought it was just the goodness of the different cheeses.

Me: ...You really like cheese a lot don't you?

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Heart

Mrs. Ordinary [holding up phone]: People keep writing some kind of code under the photos I post. What does it mean, Very?

Me: Huh? What is it?

Mrs. Ordinary [pointing]: It's this thing "less than three". Less than three what, people?

Me [laughing]: It's a heart mom. If you look at it sideways it forms a heart.

Mrs. Ordinary: But the lines don't connect...Why would people send me broken hearts? Could it be? They were so moved by my photos that their hearts exploded?!

Me: ...I guess you could take it as that.

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Gift

[Me, age 14]

Me: Aren't you getting me a birthday gift this year, mom? It's already a week late.

Mrs. Ordinary: Tch. I didn't have time to shop this year...Besides, I'm the one who gave birth to you. I gave you the gift of life! The greatest gift of them all! If anything, you should be the one giving me a gift on your birthday every year!

Me: ...I'm sorry for bringing it up.

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Like

Mrs. Ordinary: Someone just posted that he broke his arm.

Me: Yeah, so?

Mrs. Ordinary: Do I like a post like that or not? I mean if I like it, am I saying I like the fact that he broke his arm? Or am I saying I like the fact he's still well enough to post about it?

Me: I guess it would depend on the person?

Still [at the side scrolling on her social media feed]: Enemy A just twisted her foot and won't be coming to school? Like!

Me: In Still's case, she really does like the fact that the other person is hurt.

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Dishwasher

[Me, age 11]

Me: [Sighing as I scrub at the pile of dirty dishes] Dad, why doesn't our house have a dishwasher?

Mr. Ordinary: What are you talking about?

Me: A dishwasher. We don't have one in our house.

Mr. Ordinary: What are you talking about? We do have a "dish washer", you.

Me: ...

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Smoothies

[Still, age 14; me, age 16]

Still: Want to go out for smoothies? They're half off today.

Me: Nah, I'm too lazy to get ready and I refuse to go outside when I look ugly.

Still: I guess you're never leaving the house then.

Me: ...