Neglected Desires

Chapter 40

The room spun around me in dizzying, haphazard circles as my body quickly flung itself into an upright sitting position. My back pressed hard against the starched feeling hotel couch cushions without so much as a second thought. Timid hands desperately groping the arm of the sturdy furniture trying to steady the world around me as my eyes focused on my white knuckles gripping the upholstery. The call of Kevin's name filled my mind, my only instinct to  reach out and help the child I'd grown so close to and this was my worst fear. Being hours away, countries away, an entire ocean away when he might need me the most.  I silently scolded myself through the worsening pounding in my head; why had I come on this trip? why hadn't I stood my ground and stayed back home, back where I knew I was needed? Prince didn't need me out here, I wasn't playing any important role for him or the tour, hell I was nothing but a distraction to everyone out here, but Kevin, Kevin needed someone. Kevin needed me.

"Have the call sent down here." His so often seductive voice rang with authority, causing my eyes to fly to his stern looking face, the sudden movement bringing with it a sudden wave of nausea. Closing my eyes quickly, I tried to still the room around me, tried to push out all thoughts about what had happened over the last twenty-four hours and all thoughts of what Prince had been saying. Something about Tony, about 'Tony's knows one' ... my foggy mind searched for a logical end to the sentence but landed on nothing.

"Tony what?" mumbled, slightly slurred words I had no intention of speaking claimed my voice and tripped over my dry lips before I could hold them back and think about what I was asking. I heard him shift, my eyelids unable to hide the illumination the lamp beside the couch brought as he flipped the small switch. A sudden terror slammed into me as I felt his eyes roaming over my disheveled appearance. It was only a matter of seconds but it felt like hours sitting there, knowing he was studying me as I hid behind the safety of my closed eyes. Calloused fingertips touched the rounded curve of my right knee before sliding up slightly to rest his large palm on my thigh in a gentle caress.

"I love you Alexa." My question discarded, but the slightest catch in his words tightening the knot I had barely noticed in my stomach, "I didn't mean a word of it and I'm sorry." fighting against the unsettling sensation in my stomach my eyes opened and were met with a shattering sight. the whites of his eyes streaked with lines of red and the delicate skin under his eyes puffy, he looked more than tired with the faintest hint of fine lines at the corners of his mouth. "What I said was stupid and I didn't mean a word of it." There was a lost looking hope in the depth of his dark eyes. There was the slightest satisfaction in the thought that he was hurt by the words he'd hurled at me, but for whatever reason my mind wandered back to what he was trying to tell me about Tony. The shrill ring of the phone pushed a startled jump through my body. Instinctively I reached for the receiver only to have my hand covered with his before I could grasp the source of the offending sound.

"Kevin. . ."

"You're in no shape to talk to him if that's who's on the line." One perfectly shaped eyebrow cocked at me as he tried to reinforce his words. "You're barely sober and still slurring your words. You don't want him to hear you the way he's probably heard his parents do you?" The little piece of my heart that was still intact shattered at his words. He was right, without question. Shifting my eyes to the floor I let my arm go slack, resting against the couch while the small click of the receiver being picked up hit my ears. "Hello?" his palm met gently with my face, cupping my cheek and bringing my eyes up to his. My mouth opened in question with words coming out more as a breath than with my actual voice.

"Is it?"

"Hey little man. How have you been?" Infectious joy coated his resonating baritone voice, but there was not even the slightest glimmer of happiness in his fathomless hazel eyes, instead they turned colder and colder the longer silence dragged on. "Well Alexa's sick, her tummy is upset and I'm watching over her," his hand dropped from my face, quickly finding my fingers and entwining my fingers with his as he came up to sit next to met on the couch, "but you can talk to me about anything." Leaning my head against his, he shifted the phone and the sound of Kevin's voice filled both our ears.

"Are you Alexa's boyfriend?" my lips tugged with a small smile as I could almost hear the scrunch of his nose in his question. "I won't tell if you don't want me to." the child quickly added pulling a small chuckle from the chest next to me.

"Yes I am and you can tell anyone you want," those eyes playing over my face for a moment, "I'm rather proud to be her boyfriend."

"Ew!" the small child's vocalization of a full body shudder. "I don't ever want to be anyone's boyfriend."

"Oh that will change Kevin." the briefest silence filled the line, Kevin going completely silent on his end while my eyes moved over my lover's face taking note of the worry lines creasing his forehead. "Where are your parents at?" He ripped the words out of my mind finally giving voice to one of my biggest concerns.

"Mommy is at the hospital. Daddy took her there. She fell." the look in Prince's eyes only became more distant as he listened to Kevin's voice while it started to sound smaller and smaller coming through the line. My fingers tightened around his.

"Are you ok little guy? Are you hurt?" The knowing look in his eyes caught me by surprise and made me wonder what it was I didn't know about him, about his past.

"Can I tell you a secret? You can' tell anyone, you have to promise." Anxiety dripped from the boys soft words.

"You can tell me anything, you have my word."

"Mommy didn't fall. I saw daddy hit her and she broke the glass table when she fell." Prince's eyes fell closed as a heavy exhale of air passed through his nose, a harsh red creeping up the chiseled column of his neck. My arms ached to reach for Kevin, wanting to pull him into my protective embrace, never wanting him to know violence or pain like that again, but we were too far away. A half a world away from where I desperately needed to be. Kevin didn't say another word about the incident and Prince didn't push the subject. I listened on in silence as Kevin asked a myriad of questions about the tour, where we were at, where we had been, the things we had seen, the thing we had done. . .it was the never ending barrage of questions you would expect from a small child somehow still filled with wonder and amazement even with the things he had already seen in his short life. More than an hour passed before the call finally ended and I found myself curling into his side. My stomach had finally started to settle and I let the comforting scent of his cologne wash over me as I buried myself as close as I could get. For the longest time the sounds of our breathing and his heartbeat were the only things that filled the space around us. The image of what must have happened right in front of Kevin kept replaying in my mind and I couldn't make it stop.

"I want to go home." my words finally pushed their way past my lips, falling into the room for his judgement. I was ready for his reaction. Ready to be told that he had a commitment, that he couldn't come with me, ready for him to ask me to stay.

"So do I baby. So do I."