Neglected Desires

Chapter 37

I knew there would be hell to pay for running out like that. As I wondered the city, my only company the steady clicking of my black heals against the cool concrete and the vast amount of speculation running through my head. Had that been the way he wanted this evening to turn out? How long had he known she was spreading that rumor? What had he hoped to really achieve tonight? But most prominent, and the thought that hurt the worst, did he see me that way? A baby killer? The mere thought of the words bringing a hard lump to my slowly closing throat. Those thoughts took over my entire being as I wandered the unfamiliar, yet so beautiful city. As if scanning my eyes over the sights and catching glimpses of tourists and locals alike would somehow erase the pain from earlier in the evening.  As if my brain was some etch-a-sketch that could be so easily erased of the hurt.

I didn't have a plan when I'd run out of the restaurant, no specific idea of what I was going to do or where I was going to go, so I just kept walking. I walked until the heals started to kill my feet, then I stopped only long enough to take them off and kept on, unceremoniously carrying the shoes by their heals. As it got darker and finally started to drizzle I'd wished I'd planned ahead better and brought a jacket, but it was too late to really worry about that now. Some three hours later I found myself standing in front of the hotel, my body cold and my damp hair slicked back over my shoulders. Without so much as a second thought I happily greeted the doorman and strode through the lobby as if I wasn't a shivering, wet mess and headed directly into the brightly lit, modern looking bar.

"What can I get you miss?" The young brown haired, smartly dressed man behind the bar inquired as he flashed me the quickest questioning look as he took in my appearance.

"Vodka, Belvedere, on the rocks." With a curt nod he busied himself throwing the quick drink together as I looked around the bar nervously hoping I wouldn't see anyone familiar.

"Charging to a room miss?" His clunky voice drawing my attention back to the bar, which now held my clear libations.

"Yes, the presidential suite." His eyebrow cocked again taking in my disheveled appearance, making it obvious he thought I was charging to someone else's room.

"I'm afraid I'll need to see your key card before I can charge to that particular room miss."  Pursing my lips and arching my eyebrow at him as I reached in my black clutch, pulling out my plastic key card and handing it to him. Taking it to his register he seemed to scan the barcode on the back of the card before bringing it back to me. "Thank you miss." His words held a disgusted edge to them, his look still quizzical. For a minute I considered saying something about the look he was giving me, then I realized I didn't care. He could think I was a prostitute for all I cared, and that look he was giving me suggested just that. Turning my eyes away from his frustrating glare, I brought the crystal glass filled with perfectly formed cubes of ice and smooth vodka to my lips, tilting my head back slightly, letting the velvety feeling liquor slip easily down my throat.

"Another please," placing the glass back down and grabbing his eyes again, "and keep charging them to the room." I didn't exchange another word with that bartender the rest of the night. The young man busied himself with helping other patrons and organizing behind the bar to pass his time. As for me, I didn't know how this was going to help, but I had settled firmly on drinking until I forgot about dinner or until a better plan came to mind. As I finished my third small glass my soul nearly leapt from my body at the sensation of a firm hand landing on my bare shoulder.

"What are you doing Alexa?" turning in my comfortable stool, my eyes landed squarely on him and the weighty look of sincere concern I'd never seen before covering his features.  Watching him take the seat next to me, his eyes trying to figure me out, perhaps trying to decipher what to say next as he let a loud, heavy sigh of frustration exit his body. "How long have you been here?"

"Long enough," turning back to the bar and tapping the glass to the rich colored wood to gain the bartenders attention, "What do you want?" my words sharpened by the rich liquor filling my stomach.

"Sir, can I get you something?" he silently waived the question off with a dismissive shake of the head as my new drink was placed carefully in front of me, then began to inquire about how long I'd been there.  Taking the opportunity I grabbed the glass and walked away from the two men who appeared to be deep in conversation, my brain could not for the life of me figure out what they could be talking about, but all I cared about was getting away from the ghost of this evenings dinner. But my escape was short lived.

"I'm sorry about earlier." his words were soft as he took the seat across from me at the small table with four chairs. "I really didn't know what was. . . "

"Just what the fuck is it you want Tony?" my voice louder, and more slurred than I intended, drawing the attention of a few people around the bar.  His eyes widened at my tone, perhaps at my entire condition. I was a mess, I knew it, but I was so deep in the mess that I's stopped caring. It wasn't Tony who I'd wanted to find me like this.  I wanted him here. I wanted him to see what he'd done. What his dinner caused.  But of course he wasn't here, it was Tony.

"I want you to know that I'm sorry." there was a sadness in his voice and even in his slightly slumped posture. His body was large than Prince, both taller and broader, but slummed there he looked more fragile and weak than I'd ever seen Prince in all the years I'd know him. " I had no idea what was going on and if I had I would have fixed it from the beginning."  There was a pained honesty to him that I'd never expected to see.  He had just been told by his boss that his girl had to go, yet here he was apologizing to me for her actions, not blaming me for her dismissal.  My brain was slow to react, I was trying to form the right words, the ones that would convey how much I appreciated his kind words, his friendship, but my brain was misfiring like a malfunctioning engine.

"Thank you Tony." for a moment I thought the words sounded funny, my voice was off, until I noticed Tony's eyes were looking behind me, and only then did I realize the words hadn't come from me. "I'll take it from here." Without a word Tony gave us a firm nod and left us. The body belonging to that smooth voice came around me, his muscled frame still clad in the high waisted black pants and white button up, only his hair was now pulled back into a neat ponytail. Pulling a chair up right next to me he sat and quickly turned my chair to face him. This is what I wanted, I wanted him to see me broken, broken because of him, but as his eyes moved over me I wanted to slink away.  Perhaps I didn't really want to be seen this way. I looked weak and his eyes shone with pity for me, for my situation, and it was pissing me off.

"Don't ever run away from me again." his hands smoothing over my cheeks which were now heated from the number of drinks I'd had.

"Don't ever pull that shit like that again." I spat at him, hoping I sounded firm, but knowing somehow that I sounded anything but. "You knew what she had been saying, and you'd let it go on, for months."

"Alexa. . ." his hands reaching for mine, trying to settle me, which only had the opposite effect.

"And then you parade her around me at dinner. And why? Thinking we're all going to be friends? What the fuck is wrong with you?" the alcohol was forming my words now and I couldn't stop them from spilling over my lips.

"You need to settle down." his words tight, controlled. I knew I was drawing attention and I knew he didn't like it.

"No." ripping my hands from his and moving to stand. "I don't have to do anything. I'm a horrible person remember?  You know what she called me, or have to you forgotten?"

"Alexa, not here." he stood, anger obvious in his eyes as he grabbed carefully at my elbow to lead me away from the table. "Lets go to the room and talk." words quiet against my ear as I pulled violently out of his grip, nearly tipping over.

"I'm not going anywhere with you." storming out of the bar, making it to the bank of elevators as one opened and emptied of people. Leaning back against the wall and let my eyes close I waited for the door to seal me away from the world. Opening my eyes in time to watch his small frustrated frame slip in just as the door closed behind him.  He took the few steps toward me, trapping me between his solid frame and the wall, the both of us drawing deep angry breaths as we reflected anger at each other. Clumsy hands came up to push him away, only to be trapped in his firm grip.

"Now, you're going to listen to me Alexa." he growled just before his lips slammed into mine in an angry, demanding kiss.