Shattered Hearts

Chapter 38

"Lottie you don't have to explain yourself to me," Louis said touching her hand. "You were right, this is none of business."

She shook her head impatiently. "But I want you to understand that I was convinced I couldn't have another baby. I thought the doctors were soft pedalling it to me when they talked in terms of it being less likely. I honestly believed that meant it was impossible." She remembered the doctor with his kindly face, patting her hand as he imparted the news. He was so sympathetic, so caring, she'd known he was breaking it to her gently that she would never conceive again. She looked at Louis, imploring him to understand what she was trying to say. If only he'd look at her, really look at her, then he'd see.

"Wait, you're not...are you trying to tell me you're pregnant?" he asked, his mouth falling open.

She looked down and took a couple of deep calming breaths. "Yes I am, but it's nothing to do with you."

"What do you mean it's nothing to do with me?" He looked at her quizically. "I wasn't aware you'd been seeing anyone else."

"No, I mean it's my fault, I'll deal with it." Idly she began to pick at a broken fingernail. "Honestly, you don't have to be involved, I don't expect anything from you."

"Hold on, you can't just tell me you're pregnant and then cut me out," he said his voice rising, and she looked nervously over to the kids. 

"I'm not trying to cut you out," she said hastily. "But I'm not going to make any demands of you either."

He touched her arm. "Lottie I won't leave you to deal with this by yourself."

She looked at him, trying to read his face. "Louis you've had about two minutes to get used to this, don't make promises that you might not be able to keep." It would be so easy to elicit his support, and so unfair. "I've pretty much known for a few months that I'm pregnant, and I still don't know what to do."

"Whatever happens with us, I'll stand by you."

She felt heartened by his words but she couldn't hold him to them. "I think you're saying what you think you should rather than what you mean."

"I know what I mean," he said impatiently. "So can you just take me at my word for once?"

"Maybe..." She looked away from him. "I thought I could leave town and make a fresh start somewhere else but I'd have no one to look after the baby when I went to work. If I stay around here my mom will probably help but I'll have to put up with a hell of a lecture every time she does."  She panicked whenever she thought through the practicalities, there was no easy solution.

"Why would you leave town?" he asked his eyebrows furrowing. "Won't that be harder?"

She nodded, conceding his point. "Probably but what will people say if I stay? It's going to be extremely difficult at school." Nevermind the parents, the gossip from her fellow teachers was likely to be worse, and she'd heard the odd whispered comment already.

"Does it matter?" Louis asked arching his eyebrows. "It'll be news for a few weeks and then no one will care."

"It'll be gossip for a lot longer than that," she said sourly.

"Do you wanna get married then?"

She burst out laughing. "Louis I've been here before, that's the last thing I want!"

"Right, well that's rude," he said tongue in cheek. "You could do worse."

She gave him a half-smile. "I didn't mean it like that but I've spent the past year getting divorced. I couldn't consider getting married again so soon, especially when we're not even dating."

"We're only not together because you don't want to be," he said pointedly. "I'd be with you in a heartbeat."

"Why don't you go home and think this through properly," she said avoiding looking at him. "I don't want you making rash promises because you think it's the right thing to do."

"I won't leave you. One way or another you're kinda stuck with me now."

She smiled slightly. "Okay, why don't we talk again in a few weeks?"

"A few weeks," he said sounding disappointed.

"I've spent months contemplating this, a few weeks is nothing," she said softening her voice. "And Christmas is coming up, it's a busy time-"

"Not for me."

"Well, I've got Jamie to consider." The corners of her mouth turned down. "He's spending Christmas day with Nick so I want to make sure the time he has with me is special." She was being unfair resorting to emotional blackmail but needs must. "And we can talk on the phone, I just don't want you to feel under pressure."

"I won't," he said letting out a long breath. "But fine, we'll do it your way, whatever makes you happy."

"Thank you," she said touching his arm lightly. That could have gone a lot worse.

~~~

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