Hopes (MANXMAN)

chapitre 17

Aiden's pov : 

Who am I ...  why am I doing this ... where am I going ... all this questions are making me insane . What should I do when I don't even know nothing anymore . The only thing that I could feel right now is guilt ... the guilt is killing me , it's tearing apart my insides . But why am I feeling like this ? ... is it because i became a compeletly different person ? a person that I hate , a person that disgust me in every ways ...   I am becoming more crazy each day I'm spending with him . Detach from what destoys you they say ... but how can you , when what is destroying you is your own self ?. I am smart enough to know that I am the only thing standing in my way .And I don't know what to do anymore ... I want things to change , I want it to stop  . But how could it stops when he is causing me all this pain ? yet I can't find the force to run away and forget about everything ... Why am I doing this ? This relation is unhealthy and I know it , I got attached to this person ...  but I'd rather have a body covered in scars and a head full a memories than have a perfect skin a head full of regret . And I think that I misunderstood everythings ... it can't be love when you fear the person that you're loving ... it can't be poetry when the only words that you hear are destroying you ... Be careful , because butterflies can be wasps . When your stomach flutters  and your hands shakes and your cheeks flush , sometimes it's not love ... it's pain  . And when you'll call me a hypocrite or a heartbraker . There is no way you will know that I'll leave no heart more broken than the way that I'll leave my heart . I did what I wanted to do ... I made him fall for me , I guess its not that easy for him to open up for someone .he told me what I wanted to hear ... so it's time for me to move on . And I will take the responsability if I fail ... and I will enjoy the bitter taste of failure . But I won't allow myself to feel regret cause what I am doing is right ... even if it's not , I accept to be selfish ... I wanted soo badly to be his " happily ever after" but I wasn't even his "once upon a time " . And when I'll go ... soon enough , I won't think about him every single day , and I may even forget to mention his name  . Soon enough , I will be able to survive if someone manages to steals him away . And hopefully , soon enough , I will forget why I loved him in the first place ... but soon enough is a life time away . But I prefer remembering him every day than regreting everything that I've made  .

I tried to get up but I couldn't ... strong arms where holding me close . I tried to move his hands but he squeezed me tightly against his chest . We stayed like this for few minutes until he let go of me and went to the barthroom . I got up and puted some underwear and a t-shirt , then , I layed back on the bed . When he got out of there , our eyes met , he gave me a soft smile . My eyes traveled to his body then I looked away ... it was embarrassing . I heared him laugh about that and my heartbeeting  became faster . He walked towred me and kissed my lips making me look at him with a shoked expression... 

"Come on Aiden , we just had sex last night and you're embarrassed  seeing me naked ?" he said while getting dressed up . Then he grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the room , when we arrived at the kitchen he made me sit on the counter ... he seem more relaxed . He had a soft smile on his face , his hands felt so tender against my skin . 

"I'm making you breakfast , you need to eat more , you're so thin " he said while running his hand over my thigh . "plus , you're pregnant , don't you think it's bad ?". 

"I'm s-sorry " I said as my voice cracked and tears runned down my cheeks , I tried to get down from the counter but he grabbed my waist and pinned me down ."please klaus let go of me " I managed to say looking at him in the eyes . I felt him let go gently and take a step back . I took the opportunity and ran back to our room... I entered the bathroom and locked the door . I slide down the wall and began to cry uncontrollably . What is this feeling ? My heart is killing me , my chest hurts so much . I felt like crap for doing this to him . I'm an idiot... i'm just an hypocrite . I only judge the others and expose their mistakes but I became even worst . Is this is what a breakdown means ... is this is the moment where I realize that he is not the only monster here ? After long minutes , I decided to get out of here after washing my face . When I entred the bedroom , I saw him sitting on the bed with a worried expression ... this sceane made my heart flutter . I walked towred him slowly and then sat on his lap . I puted my hands around his neck ... I just wanted him to make me feel safe ...