Already Gone

Chapter 42

Right now I need to leave. To start fresh.

"You're not spending Christmas, Thanks Giving or even New Years here?" Bonnie sniffed and I see her getting emotional tears forming her eyes. 

"Bonnie" I bit my lip to keep my emotions at bay. 

She was the first one that knew about me harming myself and the fact that I haven't told her I tried to commit suicide is eating me up. I feel like guilt is trying to drown me every step of the way and for me to finally let every anger and sadness go I need to leave the place that gave it to me in the first place.

"I don't think I can" I smiled sadly. "But you can visit me you and Kyle you're always welcome in the hotel" I try to look at the bright side in this. 

"When are you leaving?" Kyle rub Bonnie's back in a comforting motion. 

"Right after I get my certificate." 

"So soon? Why?" Kyle frowns. 

"All I care about is watching my two best friends get their diploma, I don't care about the rest, I'm not going to sit there for two hours clapping and cheering the people that stood by or made my life here hell." 

For a second they both looked at me and it looked like they were about to burst into tears and I held back a laugh. Then they both tackled me into a hug surprising me but smiled at their affection. 

"Promise to call?" Bonnie cling onto me. 

"I promise" I smiled softly. 

"Promise to give me the heads up of the models staying at your hotel I'll come there straight away"  

I laughed but laughed harder when Bonnie pulled and gave such murderous look towards Kyle. His amused smile dropped when he saw her cold glare. I chuckled at the obvious attraction they will never seem to get through their heads. I loop my arms around them and tug them along even though I can see Bonnie planning is funeral right about now. 

"Let's go you two" I chuckled. 

~~//~~//~~//~~

I stood there waiting for my turn seeing Kyle and Bonnie five places ahead, Bonnie always looking back as if to check on me. My eyes swarm over the sea of students wanting to get this over with. Teachers up on the stage clapping along and smiling, the principle shaking hands of each student that passed by. 

Amy and David knows my decision to leave and they understood completely and David understanding more then anybody else. He knows how much I need this, to leave will be my peace of mind. 

They didn't say goodbye all they did was hug me and tell me to keep safe and David made me vow to call them once a week or they will personally go there to see me. My heart warm seeing genuine care for me. 

I couldn't tell Sky though. He was the one I can't face, I feel numb towards him and when I think about leaving him and not seeing him even though it hurts me at least he is here. It hurts to not touch him and be with him, it hurts to picture them together but he's still there for me to look at. The thought of not seeing him around the corner or inside his room reading or listening to his music makes me not want to leave. 

I need him but he doesn't need me.

He has her now and seeing them with their hands together I feel like my heart constricted. Does he realize what he does to me? Does he know just one look from him could hurt me one day but the other days I crave for his eyes settle on me just once. I crave for that simple interaction and it's pathetic. 

Saying goodbye to him to is like saying goodbye to all the love he gave me. I couldn't let him go, not entirely. 

I'm doing him a favor anyway, I'm leaving and this is what he wants. He needs this and I need this. He'll be with Jessica and I'll find somebody new. I'm scared to never feel it again the idea of love seems too hard to believe and I have no high hopes for it. 

With enough courage I looked back over my shoulder and my breath was taken away when I see his eyes is already focused on me. There is too many unspoken words between us, too many heartaches that we can't start the conversation. Looking back at his familiar eyes that haunts me every night makes me want to be back the night where I fell in love with him. 

I still smell the rose scent of the bubble bath, the music bass drowning from our laughter and I can still feel his arms around me. 

I wanted to smile at him, I wanted to say something but it was like I'm stuck and all I could do is stare at him. I wonder if he understands that if he says sorry, if he touch my hand I will forgive him in an instant. Does he realize how much I love him? 

The name of Bonnie being called up snapped me out of our trance and almost regretfully I turn away and looked at Bonnie. She always carry her beauty with her effortlessly, her long blonde hair and blue eyes shine brightly. I can hear Kyle cheering her on the loudest making me grin always fond of their relationship. He whistled loudly and clap her eyes snapping at him giving him the biggest smile she could make. Her eyes then settled on me and she knew this was goodbye for now. She waved and press her hand on her chest telling me how much she loves me. 

Kyle was next and Bonnie didn't really get off the stage waiting for him. He got his certificate, more like snatched it before running to Bonnie and lifting her up for a kiss. Everyone cheered and clapped at their public affection and I joined along. I know this is the first time they kissed and seeing the priceless look on Bonnie's gleeful face made me grin. 

Both of them looked back at me Kyle winking proudly and I chuckled like a proud parent. 

Teachers telling people to quieten down and to kindly get off the stage.  

Students after students went on stage and before i knew it I was heading there too. I took my certificate and shook the principle's hand. I look over and saw Amy and David cheering and grinning making my heart warmed up at the sight. Before I even thought of what I'm doing I look over at Sky my heart pounding loudly. 

He then caught me off guard with that small smile nodding at me softly and started clapping. It was enough for my heart to beat loudly that I forced myself to walk off the stage. 

I took one last look at the people I will leave behind for now. Kyle and Bonnie smiling wildly at me then Amy and David wiping away Amy's tears before waving at me because they knew I'm leaving now. 

I ignored everyone's watchful eyes realizing I wasn't about to take a seat with the rest of the students that continue to clap and wait until the end. I walked out of here with my head held high but when I heard his name being called I can't help but look back to watch him receive his certificate. Making me smile softly thinking of the nights he stressed because his grades went down because apparently I distracted him too much. 

I looked away because I know the moment he catches my eyes I would change my mind about leaving. 

I love him too much and that it's almost toxic so here I am finally leaving it all behind.