One Shot's / Other stuff

How Not To Cope With It. (A Different Kind Of Love Story:Beginning/Personal ) 4

After I screamed all I remember is my mother, brother and cat rushing in the room to comfort me. I don't like my mother but I cried in her arms that day. I kept repeating that I was sorry. My mother thought I was apologizing to her and kept asking me what was wrong. I was apologizing to him. I had done nothing wrong but love wholeheartedly yet I was apologizing for it. Till this day years later the echo of my own crying still rings vibrantly in my head on my worst days. I don't like thinking about it. It wasn't the break up that got to me. It was the fact that we were no longer friends at this point. That I had hurt him so much that he had no longer felt anything towards me. Something that once was only the feeling of love was now not a feeling of love nor hate. It was nothing. We were nothing. He was empty towards me and I was filled with love and regret.

Time went on and i'm not sure if we still talked directly after that but I remember not being able to speak to him, look at him or be in his presence without feeling a heavy depression and sickness come over me. I'm not sure if I'm listing these events in order anymore but I went into a shell. I was so drained and tried to ignore my problems. I played video games, watched whole seasons of anime and whatever else I could find on netflix, I wrote about how to change myself everyday and slept more than I ate washed and used the bathroom all together. I never turned a light on and couldn't look in the mirror. I went from a person whose only flaw was the fact that I couldn't be as kind as I wanted to be; to this bitter person who now saw everything with flaw from my lips down to my handwriting. Even the smallest things like the way I dotted my I's was wrong.

That's what happens when you try to find why someone who once loved you now can't stand you. I felt as if I had no beauty left in the marrow of my bones or the structure of my thoughts. There was nothing about me I liked anymore. I was no longer a Queen in my eyes but I had fallen off my thrown into a pit of pure misery. Just a sad forgotten peasant is what I felt. I began to spend my nights in my closet. I took everything out and slept in my small cramped closet with not even a blanket or pillow but with a sharpie marker and the roach powder that surrounded me on the floor where I laid my head when I couldn't even find the energy in my to sit with my back against the wall.I wrote some of my regrets on the wall in my closet. A whole list actually. Some of my darkest secrets and the stuff that actually bothers me. This is now what I consider to be "My demons in my closet"

Moving on after several suicide attempts, planning to run away, a 3 hour talk with my cousin and crying until I literally couldn't shed tears anymore I realized that wasting my time crying and suffering over a boy was never worth it. Why if I had spent my whole life happy and content with myself how I am, Why should I question myself and want to change who I am?If I was going to change I was going to change for me. Everything I saw as a flaw I tired to recognize as a beautiful trait again. This time I liked to think of it as "Needing improvement/ enhancement" I spent weeks thinking about the woman I dreamed to be as a kid. I knew it was time to stop dreaming and start making that change.

After spending countless hours with little to no sleep (which I was getting use to) making note after note about where I wanted to improve, Thing I will learn, characteristics I will have, habits I would soon develop making sure the notes were neat enough to read and color coded to keep me interested, entertained and organized. I began to work on some of those area as I made the list/ notes. It was small things like brushing my teeth 2-3 times a day, sitting with my back straight and legs closed, being more active and neat, eating habits. I was spending time on youtube learning new things. And trying to forget all that had happened.I stumbled upon a part of my life i had somewhat forgotten about. I had jumped back into the world of KPOP.