Maybe you can stop before you start
Maybe you can see that I just may be too crazy to love
If I told you solitude fits me like a glove
Would you let me out?
~BANKS
I am afraid. I am afraid of falling in love again. Why? Because love makes me vulnerable. Something else that I fear. Because it gets me hurt, over and over again. But, at the same time... I'm in love with the idea of love itself. So, I constantly contradict myself, over and over again. With this, I try the best I can to prevent that as if it's something that I can help or something that I can control. I know that I can't, and I never will be able to. Though you can't blame a girl for trying.
All I did was go to church for a two-hour long choir practice because no one actually showed up for the church. I was kinda agitated because I am the only person always ready to sing everything. I don't want to be the carrier of the team.
Anyways, that isn't a very relevant to a day without many events. It was just a normal one because it felt normal. The only abnormal thing about it is that I saw an old friend and felt absolutely nothing.
When I gazed at him, there was nothing because we were never really close. Anthony definitely did, because he had a crush on me. I was best friends with brother Vico, and now you understand why we weren't close.
I feel like I should be guilty of not feeling any type of emotion after seeing him after a few years. Maybe it was because he was not a part of me becoming the person I am today. Maybe we see people that don't peak interest as simply irrelevant - not irrelevant in value but not important in our lives. Eventually, I got through the day and went to sleep.
I remember losing my phone and wanting to talk to Shawn, but I had fallen asleep for the second time. I have a huge crush on him. Why? Because he respects females, is really nice yet sarcastic at the same time. He's funny, very smart and honest, and last, after all, he's really cute and understands my weirdness. The problem is that I don't want to fall for him. What if he's pretending? What if he hurts me? What if I can't trust him? I mean, it seems like I can, according to other people that associate with him, but I don't know if I can trust what they say. The only 'bad' thing about him, is that he has a slight temper.
I know he is a loyal person. Truth be told, he may be perfect, but I am afraid. This fear is what holds me back... Maybe I shouldn't be. I don't really know. All I know is that I woke up to a "Goodnight lil mama," and I thought it was sweet. God, I'm helpless. It's sad that I know it was probably no big deal. I feel bad though. I feel bad because I have a crush on two people, just this one is bigger than the other. Maybe I only have a crush on Shawn. To be completely honest, Logan can just be a distraction from me feeling anything real.
Speaking of the other, he came to be with an issue he was having. I was glad because I was trusted, but I didn't want him to feel the way he did. Logan is a rather... interesting person I guess. I learned that he bottles up his emotions and that he has so many issues with his friends. It isn't my business to tell. I know I don't like him nor could I ever love Logan, but Shawn scares me... I don't want to be afraid of falling, but something tells me that I may. I will not nor will I ever be able to have control of what I feel for someone who doesn't give me a reason to hate him. The only thing I can control is what I do.
