Already Gone

Chapter 38

"Hailey please talk to me" Sky jog towards me stopping me in my path. 

I couldn't look at him so I just stared at the wrinkle fabric on his jumper. I couldn't look back at him and not cry because it's taking me back to all the bad things that has happened lately. Him being here is suffocating me, it's hurting whatever sanity I cling onto. 

I rub my face tiredly trying to ease my restless mind. 

"God, when I saw your house burnt down like that...I thought...I thought you were hurt or I thought you-

"Well I'm not!" I shout aggressively taking him by surprise. "I'm not hurt. I'm not the one that gets to die. I'm not the one that gets to leave. I'm the one that gets to stand in their funeral. I'm the one that feel the aching loneliness. I'm the one that will always get left behind" I cried with every blink tears began to fall. 

Thinking of being in another funeral had me choking up in aching sadness. There is no amount of pills or alcohol can drown this pain. I just need it to be gone, I don't want to wait and let it pass and continue my life as if I don't feel this agony. I need this to be over with. 

This is a different type of loneliness, it's not the type of loneliness where you are in a crowd but nobody sees you, nobody cares. This loneliness is like seeing in black and white and you miss the blue sky but everybody sees the blue sky apart from you. Nobody could know this pain, nobody could understand this type of loneliness. 

"I can help you-

"Help me?" I chuckled bitterly his face falling. "Are you going to bring him back Sky? Are you going to bring my house back from the ashes so that the memory of mother and father's house is still there? Every photo album, every memory of that house is gone, are you going to bring all those back? How are you going to help me? Everything is ruined, everything is gone, everyone is dead! Everyone has left me-

The reality of it all is hitting me once again and I gave out a sob that I never made before. The world is a cruel joke and I can't do this anymore. The pain sinking in, the pain embedded in. 

Then I felt his arms around my waist pulling me to him. I smelt his comforting cologne, his familiar touch that awakens my mind. Like an electric bolt rushing in my system. There will always be this comfort I will crave from him and I can't deny the feeling of his touch that vanishes all anxiety of that moment. But it was all a delusion in my head and I'm the only one that needs him and he won't need me. 

I wanted to push him away but all my strength is gone and I crave for that affection and I can't walk away from it. 

He ran his hand on my hair smoothing it out knowing that it calms me down. I squeezed my eyes shut sobbing quietly but he felt my body shake from the grief anyway. 

We stayed in each others arms for quiet sometime and listening to his heart beating fades the darkness away but I know the moment he lets go it will come crashing back. That's the problem here I will always need somebody to help me through the pain. I can't do it on my own and find peace within myself. I can't rely on Tate anymore and I don't want to beg for his touch or just his presence to keep my mind sane. 

I pulled away and when I thought he would step back he place his hand on my cheek and wiped my tears. It was like he was trying to kill me. Does he not know what he is doing to me by giving me his tender touch but only to not have it at all for the rest of my life. 

I flinch away from his touch and stepped back seeing the way I reacted he frowns deeply giving me an impassive look. 

"Please just come to the house mom and dad is worried about you. Your things are still there at the house and I know how much you hate planning funerals. We could help you with that-