Shattered Hearts

Chapter 18

He looked at her, his face blank. "I can't pretend I understand what you're going through."

She sat down, taking a sip of wine and forcing herself to relax. "No, you don't. My way, Jamie spends the weekend with his dad and his grandparents. He's not alone with Nick, it's not so bad."

Louis sat opposite her, contemplating her for a moment. "I guess you know best, you always did. I shouldn't be questioning you."

Her shoulders sagged. "No, you shouldn't. I would never put Jamie in harm's way, he's fine with his father." She took a large gulp of wine willing the alcohol to take effect before her doubts resurfaced. Louis was right about one thing though, he shouldn't question her, not when she questioned herself constantly.

"I really didn't want to go into all of this with you," she said instead. "I didn't want you to see me as the person Nick reduced me to."

Louis reached his hand across the table. "I don't see you as anything other than who you are."

Self consciously she pulled her hand back. "I've changed, I'm not the girl you went out with in high school. That person is gone, she's dead."

"I'm sure she's still inside of you, deep down."

Charlotte let out a long sigh. "She's not, I can't go back to how I was." She closed her eyes, thankful they were sat in candlelight and he couldn't clearly see her face. "What I've been through, what I'm going through, it's not going to get any better. I'm not going to change into some happy go lucky teenager again, those days have gone."

"I know, that bit I do understand." She was all set to brush his words aside but the expression on his face reminded her that he'd faced his own hardships. "Charlotte, I know life isn't black and white, sometimes you have to make compromises, you have to do things that are against your better judgement."

She chewed on her bottom lip contemplating his words. "I won't say it's against my better judgement allowing Nick to see his son. I think I can trust him with Jamie. And the part of me that doubts him, that part of me insists he takes Jamie to his parents' house. I'm not a bad mother, my child is safe."

"I didn't mean to imply you were a bad mother. Even if you were I'd never judge you." He picked up his drink and then put it down untouched. "Look, I've done things I'm not proud of, things that I knew were wrong."

"Are you talking about Vietnam?"

He nodded and this time he did take a large sip of his drink. "Yeah out there, we aren't the good guys, there are no good guys. I'm not some sort of all American hero but I'm not a baby killer or a rapist either."

She gasped. "I'd know you'd never do anything like that."

A shadow fell across his face. "But you probably should question me, after all these years." He opened a packet of cigarettes and she pushed an ashtray towards him, watching as he slowly lit one. He held out the packet to her and for a second she hesitated since she was trying to quit.

"Is there something you want to tell me?" she asked carefully, rolling the cigarette between her fingers.

He met her eyes, his face impassive. "No, I was just saying. I guess you don't know who I am now either." 

She looked down at her hands, her fingernails no longer carefully manicured. "No, I probably don't," she finally said breaking the uncomfortable silence. "But I know what it's like to have secrets, what a burden it is."

"And it gets easier when you tell someone?" he asked arching his eyebrows.

"Quite the opposite." She gave a hollow laugh, still incredulous as her thoughts returned to her marriage. "I can't even begin to explain how demoralising it is to finally tell the truth and be met with disbelief." She allowed herself a moment to feel resentful. "I guess Nick's parents were always going to whitewash it, but my mom, my friends, I thought they'd be on my side."

Louis frowned. "Your friends are on your side."

"I didn't mean my old friends, I meant everyone else." She stubbed out her cigarette grinding it into the ashtray.

"Maybe you just did too good a job at covering up for Nick," Louis suggested tentatively.

She nodded. "Probably, and I tried extra hard to make things perfect for Jamie, to keep up appearances. I was my own worst enemy."

"You need to stop being so hard on yourself."

"I suspect I'm not the only one." She hadn't missed that he'd avoided saying anything about his past. She reached for the bottle of wine, topping both their glasses up. "You don't have any plans for tonight do you?" she asked although the answer was obvious.

"Nothing that doesn't involve you."

He reached out for her hand and this time she let him take it, grateful that he couldn't see how flustered she was in the dim lighting. She knew there could never be anything between them, it was a waste of both of their times, and yet she was glad he was there.

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