[1] sad but true. james hetfield, metallica

forty four.

I stared at the cabinet in my bathroom. After a couple of hours in my room, James and I finally decided to just lay down and take a nap. He thought maybe it'd be best for me, since I was so upset about my parents. Only, I didn't go to sleep.

I still can't believe it. How they're just gone.

I bit my bottom lip hard, looking over and making sure that the bathroom door was shut and locked.

I looked at myself in the bathroom's mirror. I cringed, like I always do.

My hair has gotten really long, and it just looks gross to me. My body is just disgusting. Everything about me is disgusting.

My fingers slowly met the knob of the cabinet, and I pulled it open. It goes from bandages to bottles of soap in here. I mean, it is a bathroom cabinet.

I moved a few things out of my way until I got to a first aid kit I pretty much hid in the very back. No one really ever suspected that I kept it in there, ironically.

I held my breath and pulled out the box, looking down at it.

I quietly set it onto the sink and opened it up, seeing the thing that about a year ago, I thought was all I had.

I don't really understand why I think I still need it, but then again I do.

I shakily picked it up. The tip of it jabbed into my thumb as it rested against my index finger. I've wanted this for so long.

I could almost swear I heard something coming from outside of the room, but I just blocked it out. I just turned on the water in the sink, maybe whoever it is will think I'm just in there to use the bathroom and wash my hands.

I slid down the wall, criss crossing my legs, and stared down at my arms.

I very easily could cut right there.

But I don't deserve that yet. I don't deserve to feel the relief of death. Not yet.

I slowly put the blade to my skin, biting my tongue. Tears were silently falling from my eyes.

I dragged the cold blade across my skin, until I saw the blood slowly trickling down my arm.

I've missed this.

I couldn't stop myself from doing it again. I went a bit deeper this time.

I practically jumped when I heard a faint knock at the door.

"Courtney? What are you doing?" I hear a very soft voice. I knew it was James.

"Damnit." I whispered, dropping the blade. I quickly stood up.

What do I do??

"Courtney?" He knocked again.

"Damnit!" I say louder this time, frantically picking the blade back up and shoving it into my pocket. I pulled my sleeves down and wiped my tears. I turned the water off in the sink and took a deep breath.

"James.." I slowly unlocked the door, him coming into the bathroom seconds later.

"Baby, what did you do?" He pulled me into his arms.

"Nothing. I didn't..do anything." I lied, hugging him back lightly.

He pulled away and looked in my eyes.."Please tell me you didn't-" He looked down and gasped.

"What?!" I looked down too, and I nearly fell over. My sleeve was covered in blood, I hadn't even realized that it was bleeding that much.

"Damnit Courtney!" James frustratingly yelled, picking me up by my waist and setting me onto the sink. Tears brimmed the edge of both of our eyes.

He quickly opened the cabinet, pulling the first aid kit back out. He shakily pulled out a bandage, then walked back over to me. His face was flushed and he really looked upset. I had began to cry, and my arm practically felt numb.

He gently took my arm in his hands and pulled up the sleeve. He helped me clean it, then bandaged it.

He sighed heavily, rubbing his face with his hands. He looked at me and bit his lip, coming closer. He leaned on the sink a little, each hand on either side of me. "Courtney, baby, why'd you do it again?" He barely whispered.

"I'm sorry." I cried, my voice cracking. His face was right by mine, he looked down and closed his eyes.

"You promised me.." He whispered.

I'm really surprised he's not yelling at me right now.

"I-I know I.." I didn't even know what to say or do. So I just looked down and cried.