Toxic Chaos

Moving On

I want to talk about something that's been annoying me since the past three or almost four months ago and still is. There's this quote by Lang Leav that says "Leave him, let him go. Don't be that crazy ex-girlfriend or the shoulder to cry on. You're more than just an ego boost, a story he can tell someone he wants to impress. Just walk away with your head held high and don't give him another second of your time. I know you love him so much that every step is killing you. But this is the moment you'll look back on as the day you put yourself first. Go and make something beautiful of your life and I promise you, one day you'll forget he was ever there." This beautiful piece is called moving on.

I've been trying to move on ever since October. Yeah, not working so well. I'm not stalking him, not crying over him, not trying to contact him, not asking his friends to talk to him for me, not trying to crawl back into his life, not wanting him back, just wanting to move on.

I think stalking him is the worse thing ever, I do still love him and I do still have so much affection. Seeing his pictures will just hurt me more and I don't want that. Cry over him? Yeah, I used to do that over every ex-lover I've ever had, but for some reason, he made me strong and weak at the same time. At times I felt so weak, on the verge of breaking, and other times I felt powerful, feeling the strength growing in me. Ever since October, I haven't cried once over him and I'm so proud of that. I sure as hell don't want to contact him or have anyone else do the talking or crawl into his life or want him back in mine because I really do want to move on. As hard as it feels and as impossible as it sounds, I don't want that beautiful yet awful person in my life. If there was any way I knew I would've been able to move on I wouldn't have missed that opportunity for the world. But life is life, and I'm having a really hard time working it through.

Anyone going through that, I don't advise dwelling over the past, even if your situation was different than mine, even if you still want him/her back in your life because he taught me two very important lessons that I think are essential for any case. One of them is anything built on something wrong ends faster than it was built. The second thing is: actions speak louder than words. Of course, you're going to think that you understand what these two mean, but unless you go through something that will murder your soul, you will never truly understand their purpose.

I won't deny anything that happened between us, but I also won't dwell on something and someone I once had and I'd rather never have him back. We went through so much that no one but he and I would understand. I get that it's unhealthy to stay here feeling like that and stuck in the phase of not being able to move on. But what happened, happened because it was bound to happen, so for later, whatever happens, will happen because it was bound to happen that way.