The Saint & The Sinner.

Chapter 50: Three Nights of Hell.

When your back is against the wall the only way to go is forward. Just like when you finally hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. Leaving California was a hard thing to do. Being there was so calming; each day I woke up refreshed. I almost forgot why I was there in the first place, or what caused me to retreat there. But that memory nagged at the back of my mind every day, even when I was at my happiest I couldn't escape the horrible thoughts and assumptions. There are things in this world I wouldn't wish upon my greatest enemy; what happened to my mom was one of them.

Our upbringings are almost mirror reflections but there is a great dichotomy between us; the obvious spot the difference in the pictures. She spent most her life in one spot, never really going anywhere. Grams moved to Miami after my biological Grandfather died when my mom was a baby. Grams married Papa when my mom was a little kid and they had a beautiful house on a nice piece of land. They wanted to keep me and my mom close throughout my life but my mom was so mad at Grams that the only reason they still talked was because of me. Grams doesn't know that mom and I moved around so much, she knows some of it but not all. My mom was just trying to protect me. Yeah sure, she did unreasonable things to me growing up; she was either too overbearing or completely neglectful but she never laid her hands on me and she wouldn't have allowed anyone to do that either but she had an ever-changing idea of the perfect daughter and I never seemed to fit the mould. She was unintentionally abusive but she would purposely say and do things that would be considered abusive by law. I have plenty of good memories with my mom but I have more bad ones. She was a moth and I was an old scarf, she kept eating away until there were unfixable holes in me. She kept taking things that I can't take back. I can't hit rewind and have another childhood. I can't take back anything I've done. She can't hit rewind and take back anything that's happened to either of us. We either accept what happened has happened and move forward or we deem this relationship unfixable and go our separate ways. Either way, we're going forward. With or without each.

It was almost a full twelve hours of travelling from Sid's condo in Venice Beach to home in Des Moines. I told Sid I could just get a cab home so he didn't have to drive all the way to Corey's just to drive back the way he came to get to his place. But Sid being, well, Sid, he told me that he was going to drive me home and make sure I get inside safely then he'd go home. I made him promise me he'd text me when he got home. He laughed but agreed to do it. He knows that having him text me when he gets home is my way of making sure he got home safely and letting him know I care about him.

When Sid pulled up the driveway Steph was standing outside like a puppy waiting for its owner to get home. She hugged me like she thought she was never going to see me again. It's nice to be missed. It's a nice feeling to be wanted. Sure, being needed is a good feeling but what feels nicer is being wanted. She had Corey drag my suitcase inside before we all said our goodbyes to Sid as he left. There wasn't much socializing for the obvious reason that Sid and I have been on a cramped airplane for five and a half hours and we're both exhausted.

But that's okay because as soon as we got inside Steph announced she was planning another trip for us in two weeks, she didn't say where we were going but it'd only be me, her and Corey going because Griffin would be in School by then. I sighed and smiled at her, she seemed very excited to go on this "vacation" and that made me excited to go too. Corey said it was either now or in December when we get off tour, and if we waited until December Steph may wet her pants before then. Now I was curious to know what was so special about this trip. What did Steph have planned?

Steph let me throw my dirty laundry into the wash and take my suitcase upstairs. She really did act like an excited puppy, trailing behind me, asking me about the trip and all that fun stuff. I knew she meant well and was just happy that I was home again. She was also very eager to know what my big idea was. I told her I needed her as a model as soon as I talked to Brenna and I got the supplies I needed to make this happen. I knew this was going to be a controversial and unnerving project but it's that type of subject. But sadly, it's the only way to shed some light on the subject.