When Pop Meets Metal ((GIRLXGIRL))

~I've Had Better Days~

Okay soo I have been informed and I also kind of figured that my last chapter was a little bit scary. So this chapter won't be as scary but you kind of have to remember that they both have severe problems. If it's not clear enough then I will explain what each of their problems are at the end of this chapter.

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Katie's POV

Another day lived is another day that I have to remember what I am really like. I don't know when I really got like this but I know I can't go on living this way.. It's just simply not healthy.. I will get better eventually but I don't know when. I do know that my head hurts worse and worse after every time I black out. There is a pounding feeling in my head and I feel faint. I always just look around and feel like I'm either going to pass out right then and there or that I'm going to puke. After every black out I end up with scars all over me and I have no recognition of what has happened. I just want this to stop. I want to be happy and normal, just like everybody else but that isn't possible and I know it. In all honesty I am a danger to myself and everyone around me. I don't even feel like myself anymore.. I just feel like someone has taken over my body and my spirit is just imprisoned in my brain. I honestly don't even know how to deal with any of this.. 

This weird thing has been happening to me ever since my mum left me, when I was three.. My mother left and my dad wanted nothing to do with me and so I was put into an orphanage. I lived there until I was four and then was adopted by a loving family and have been with them since. I don't really know them that well though because I don't really talk to them. I don't know how to face them to be honest. I try my best to keep my life out of their minds. I don't stay at home much, I get the best grades I possibly can, I try not to involve then in any of my problems. It's just not fair to them that they had to get stuck with such a stupid child. I'm sure they didn't know I was this way when they adopted me and I wonder every day why they don't just go and leave me like my mother did, why they don't want nothing to do with me, like my father.. I just don't understand. I am grateful for what they have done for me though. I could never ask for a better family. They love me as if I were their own child and I know that it hurts them to see me this way, not talking to them and stuff.. I know that they love me and I know that I am hurting them but I can't do anything to become closer to them and I know that.

I looked around my bathroom and I sighed. This place was completely clean and there was no sign as to what I have done.. There's that feeling. I run over to the toilet and lean over it, holding my hair out of the way but I can't throw up.. I just simply can't. I stand up and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I look into the mirror and there they are.. There is a fresh coat of bruises and cuts over my body. There is blood dripping from my stomach, it's soaking through my shirt. I look around frantically but there is nothing to clean up with. I can't go down stairs.. Grace and Nathan are there. I can't get them involved.. I run to my bed room and curl up in my bed, trying to cry or sleep but no tears come.. My body is just numb. I close my eyes but sleep never comes to me. All I can feel is numbness.. I can't even feel the damage that has been done to my fragile body.. What is wrong with me..?

I woke up to complete silence. I looked at my clock. Well no wonder.. It's 1:00 in the morning. My entire body ached and I had a massive headache.. I placed my hand over my head.. Damn this really hurts..

 I looked around the room and saw some blood on the floor.. Oh my god what happened there!? Oh but do I really need to ask? I thought about it for a little while and then I immediately started to freak a little bit.. Why is there blood on the floor..? I swallowed hard and pulled the covers off of me and sure enough I found where the blood came from.. There was dried up blood and scabs starting to form over the cuts on my pale stomach. I can't believe I've done this again..

I sighed and got up, letting out a pain filled groan. My god I really went at it this time.. I walked to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and wasn't in the least bit shocked by what I saw. There were cuts and bruises all over my torso and I just put my hand against the glass, feeling the cold material against my palm. I rested my head against the glass and relaxed. I liked the cold feeling against my hot skin. I can't really help feeling hot all over my body, I beat myself to the point where I could've killed myself. I don't exactly understand how it works. I just know that I have been waking up with no recognition of the night before or what has happened to me every now and again.

It happens about 4-6 times a year and it has been happening since I was 3 years old. At first it wasn't too bad, just a few scrapes and stuff but lately it has been deep gashes that I'm sure could kill me if it got any worse. I don't exactly know what happens when I wake up like this but I do know that I have very vivid dreams of me beating myself up. Like cutting myself, hitting myself with things like baseball bats and stuff.

I don't know if this what is really happening when I black out but that's my guess because it is the only thing that makes any sense to me. I really should tell Nathan and Grace about this but I really don't want to be a burden by making them hear about my problems and stuff plus I'm afraid that they will just assume the worst and put me into a metal institute without even hearing any of my theories or anything else like that. I just hope the don't notice because I just don't want either of those things to happen to me, especially not the first one. I don't think I would ever be able to forgive myself if I put them through that, it just wouldn't be fair.

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Okay so to be honest I was actually scared while writing this. I was so into it and I was imagining the exact scenario and I was creeping myself out. So with that said.. I shall explain both of the girl's situations. Katie's isn't exactly the easiest to figure out but Juliet's isn't quite as difficult.. So I'll explain both for you guys. So Juliet suffers from depression due to her father's abuse and she self harms to make herself feel better, like being in control. Now for Katie. Her situation is a bit more confusing. She has what used to be called multiple personalities disorder. I'm almost positive that they have renamed the disorder but none the less I will just call it by the name I know for it. So she has 3 different "identities", she has her normal self, which is the one you'll see being very panicish, she has many problems with trusting people and very low self worth. This personality is the one that is displayed when she is freaking out, before, when she can't fall asleep. The second personality is the one you will probably be seeing the most often. This is the personality who is usually very calm and is more knowing than her actual self, this "identity" is the one who has some recognition as to what happens at all times, she sees what happens through dreams and flash backs but isn't sure if these things are real.  So she of course knows what happens while she is in control and then when the other two are in control she sees through the flash backs and dreams, like I said before. Now the third and most dangerous personality is the one you will know as having very disturbing thoughts, she is very violent and likes to punish the body while she is in control. This "identity" can be extremely scary and I don't think I will be writing about when she is in control but I might. I'm not sure yet. Now to remember the personalities I am going to give them each names and I will put which one of their point of views it will be. So the actual personality will be called Katharine, Katie or Kate for short. I will call the most oftenly seen point of view Sammy and the dark, dangerous personality will be called Lex. This will only come into play after this chapter so if you want to know which identity was in control in the past chapters then just ask and I will tell you.