ANXIETY (𝘫𝘰𝘩𝘯𝘯𝘺𝘣𝘰𝘺)

Chapter 4

Status: edited

Johnny's P.o.V.

I wish Pony knew how beautiful he really is.

This morning I snuck and put another note into Pony's room. He seemed to really like the last one, and I knew that he needed to hear what I had to say anyway.

Plus, there was something special hidden in each note. I decided that I would give him four more notes, and at the end it would all come together.

Pony really has me worried. His panic attack yesterday scared me something awful, but I stayed calm so that I could calm Pony down.

Today, I was determined to get at least a little bit of food in his system. I didn't care how hard it was. If he didn't eat soon he'd end up in the hospital.

The toaster rang out and the toast popped up. I took it out and set it on a plate, spreading some jelly on it as I did so.

This seemed like it would be a good start for him.

Two-bit walked in the kitchen and scrunched up his nose at the toast. "Now why on Earth would you make toast when you could have chocolate cake?" He got into the ice box and pulled one out.

There always seemed to be a chocolate cake in the icebox at the Curtis house. The three of them are all chocolates crazy. Sodapop says if they ever make a chocolate cigarette Ponyboy will have it made.

Ponyboy always seems to have a cigarette in his hand. He's the real weed-fiend in the gang. Well, I guess Dally and I are almost just as bad.

I looked up at Two-bit. "Cake hurts my stomach in the morning." I said quietly.

I wasn't just saying that to cover up Pony's anorexia, I really didn't like the idea of eating cake for breakfast.

Ponyboy slowly came stumbling into the kitchen, and my mouth dropped. His hair was sticking out in different directions, and it looked pretty sexy, his loosely fitted sweatpants were slipping down his hips, and he was pulling down his baggy T-shirt.

He looked amazing. So beautiful, and I wondered how he could possibly believe that he was anything but. If only he knew how much I cared about him.

Pony rubbed his eyes and yawned. "Morning Johnnycakes." He said and walked over to me.

I gave him a small smile, wishing he'd smile back.

"Nice to see ya too, Pone." Two-bit joked.

Only, I don't think that Pony knew that he was joking because he frowned. "I-I didn't mean nothing by it Two-bit. Sorry..."

I put a hand on his shoulder, and Two raised an eyebrow.

"Shoot, kid. I know you and Johnny are best friends. I was only kidding." He flashed him a smile that was filled with chocolate cake.

I cringed at the sight and Pony looked away, his cheeks burning. "O-oh. Right." He gave a fake chuckle, and I could practically see him mentally scolding himself.

Two-bit didn't seem to notice, just went back to eating. I smiled at Pony and quietly said, "C'mon." We began walking upstairs towards his bedroom.

I already saw Soda and Steve running around the house getting ready for work so I know that we'll be alone.

Ponyboy stayed close to me at all times, and that itself made my heart speed up. But I knew that it probably meant nothing to him.

"I got your note this morning!" He said excitedly which made me smile. "I loved it."

"Do you save them?" I asked. If he didn't then there would be no point in continuing with my plan. It wouldn't work without all of the notes.

He looked sheepish and nodded. "Y-yeah. I'm sorry I just like them. I don't have to-"

"I want you to save them, Pony." I hated that he always blamed himself for every little thing.

Honestly, I think all he needed was someone to love and have them love him back, and I don't think I could ever be that someone.

I loved Pony, but he could never love me back.

He glanced at my plate. "Is that for me?"

"Mmm-hmm." I hummed. "It's your breakfast. You think you can eat this for me?"

He nodded and hesitantly took my plate. I rested my hand on his back and rubbed circles. "You can do it."

Pony nodded at my words, and took a bite of one piece. Slowly, he swallowed it, and I prayed that it would stay down.

Don't throw up. Don't throw up. Please don't throw up.

And he didn't. After a few seconds, he took another bite. "Good job." I whispered and continued to rub his back.

After so many more bites, he finished the piece.

"I don't want the other piece Johnny." He whispered and I nodded.

"Okay, you did good today." I praised.

He set the plate on the floor and then rested his head on my shoulder.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

He shrugged. "My stomach doesn't hurt as bad."

I smiled and rubbed his back. "I'm glad, and I know it doesn't sound like much coming from me, but I'm proud of you."

Pony laughed softly. "Are you kidding? That means the world coming from you."

I chuckled. Why was he always so sweet?

"Hey Johnny, can I tell you something?"

I nodded. "Yeah sure, anything."

He took a deep breath. "Okay...for some reason, whenever I'm around you I feel...different. Like happy, and I don't want you to leave me because I know that I'll be sad again. I don't know why but my heart always speeds up whenever I'm with you, and I like that feeling...do you know why that happens?" He gave me a half smile, while my mouth was hanging open.

That's exactly what I feel around him. "Ponyboy..." maybe I had more of a chance than I thought. "It sounds like you're in love."

A look of horror flickered onto his face. "Johnny!" He yelled. "If you were anybody else I'd slap you! That's nasty to even think about!"

My eyes widened some and I felt my heart sink. "Yeah..." I whispered quietly.

I looked up and he wore a sad look on his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell."

I only nodded.

"Johnny?"

I didn't answer. I couldn't, I'd just found out that the boy I'm in love with is disgusted by people like me.

"J-Johnny please answer me." He pleaded, but I barely heard him. My mind was sort of foggy and I felt like crying.

Suddenly, he began crying. I think that's what got me out of my haze.

"I-I'm sorry for saying I would slap you...I'm sorry!" He cried out.

I just sat down next to him. "It's alright..."

He leaned against my shoulder. "No it's not! You're my best friend, I shouldn't treat you like that."

Best friend. Suddenly I hated that word.

I stood up, tears clouding my vision. "I gotta go Pony." I moved to the door.

"Johnny, I'm sorry!" He yelled.

I looked back and gave him a half smile. "I know."

I turned around and walked out of the house, not prepared to come back.