Letters through the dark night

Letter 5

I don't understand.

I don't think any of us do.

I just want to gaze outwards, observe what I can, grab the bits and pieces of laughter and light, bits and pieces of the tears hidden beneath the eyes, the constant weariness from our constant flickering of the eyes and all. Cautious of any hidden monsters outside, the need to fit in, the need to get rid of our thoughts...

It seems as if we're never alone and yet, alone.

Sometimes, you see me walking around silently, looking around, silent altogether, needing to find a spot to sit and watch quietly, but in the end, I don't sit, because I didn't want the eyes on me, the pitying looks, when all I want is to just observe the world and be at peace. 

Sometimes you might think I'm mad, sad, frustrated, you name it... and I'll just be neutral in my own way, lost in my own thoughts, trying to calm them down, knowing how ridiculous I am.

Sometimes, when you think you aren't good enough, I'll be there, understanding why you think you aren't good enough, but all the same, thinking why won't you see that you are amazing because every, single, person, that, I, see, I admire.

I can't stop thinking about how amazing they are so please, know that you are amazing.

But, while I think those thoughts, I'll be silently debating to myself, telling myself how different I am, how I don't have the skills to survive in this world, how unworthy I am of living in this world, how do I stop these thoughts?

They just... come.

The thing is, whenever something happens, I blame myself.

I can't find it in me to hate anyone but me.

If you scold me for being slow, I blame myself for being slow and the fact that I'm probably not helping you because you're probably going through a tough situation right now and need to let your anger out.

If you tell me that I'm annoying, but you yourself annoy me a lot, I blame myself for being annoying and adding to your stress, making you annoy me.

Anything that happens seem to become my fault.

So I try to make it up by trying to be nice, but I don't think I'm nice enough.

I can't write any more.

I can't say it, my thoughts, these things... nothing can ever explain the pain I feel at this world.

That's why I like being at peace and looking out into the world silently gazing, or reading... At these times, can I actually escape reality, banish those thoughts from ever existing in the first place...

Where I can see the happiness in this world and just feel a sense of relief that there are others who are happy, who are enjoying and appreciating the moment.

Where I can see the bond between people, hear the melodious songs of the people, my friend's laughter as their eyes shine with joy...

I can't even begin to explain the happiness I feel when I see others happy.

It's the only thing keeping me up, encouraging me to wake up every morning.

Giving me hope that I too, can slowly banish my thoughts, that this world around me is as good as it is dark...

That perhaps... I can escape these thoughts... no... beat them... if I can give enough reasons to banish them...

Alas, have hope, for it's the only fuel we ever have in this life.

Appreciate yourself and the world around you.

That's the best you can do.

The only thing that can help me win over those thoughts.

---

Author's Note: You are all amazing, appreciate who you are and the world around you and those that exist and make your life wonderful and those random strangers who smile at you. You never know what inner battle they are fighting but they make your life wonderful and be happy and smile in return! There are people who believe in you, remember that, they'll stand by your side and if they don't, well too bad for them because you're amazing!

Don't forget to comment, vote, share, laugh, joke, smile and do awesome nice things!~

And, last but not least...

~You are amazing.

~You are awesome - because you are reading this, kidding, you are still awesome.

~You are phenomenal.

You are amazing in more than a million different ways.

~ Winter :D