Letters through the dark night

Letter 4

And then in the end, I think that, maybe I'm just too weak. I pity myself for letting myself go and drown within the tides of insecurity and harm. I pity myself for thinking this way. I pity myself for letting other control me, for being weak, for all this... nonsense.

I pity myself for not changing anything.

I pity myself because how can I think that I'm worthless, less than a grain of sand, and yet think that I am good just the way I am when no one is around.

I pity myself for having to put on the masks and paint and waste my entire life dedicated to making others happy because they don't like who I am.

But it's hard to change what's slowly been ingrained to you, even when you know it's wrong.

We just blindly follow orders from others and assume it right and we're nothing but mere ants, ants that haven't yet evolved into a form of community in which we all appreciate one another.

I pity myself for thinking no one can accept me for who I am, and the fact that I believe that fact.

Maybe that's why I have no feelings for anything anymore.

Maybe that's why I choose to distance myself from the walls of society, why we all distance ourselves until we get further and further apart from one another until - there's nothing left to hold us together and we all crumble down, down down down down down into the holes of oblivion and pity that we couldn't do anything when we knew what was right but too scared to do it.

It's the truth.

And I pity myself for not standing upright and appreciate who I am.

Whenever I'm alone, I look in the mirror, I know what's wrong with me, but I'm proud of it, proud of my looks, feelings, personality - I think I look fine.

But as soon as I step out into the cold severe world, all that thoughts just crumble down as I see those who haunted me again and again, and those I hurt again and again and I think, what's the point?

What's the point of all these masks and paint if we don't do anything right as much as we try?

The problem lays in the hands of society who forces us, who believes that we need those beautiful masks to cover up or horrid faces, our horrid souls. We need those paints to disguise who we truly are, to pretend to be a fish in a land without water.

It's ridiculous - but we believe it.

And even worse.

I believe it.

I can't believe those hours spent on my withering mask and paint and now, looking back at my pure body and soul, it's nearly gone, I don't even know what to do now.

All these years have past and all I've been doing is withering myself away until I disappear, back into the shadows of oblivion, letting the arms of the cruel society whisk me away, hug me gently, then tightly until I can't breath anymore, until I can't do anything because I let those same arms manipulate me, twist me in such a way that there's no going back because I know that I'm fading.

But I know there's still time.

Because after all, we do have one life.

A long life in which we can choose to learn from our mistakes.

I know I pity myself, I think me weak.

But now writing this, I start to realize the importance of not weakness, but strength.

Weakness is relative.

It's when you fail to understand that you always have the choice to stand up. The failure to notice that you are stronger than you appear to be, that you are stronger than many think.

That the arms of society, the arms of our cruelest heart that have kept us chained up for years, they don't exist at all and that we made them up.

And the only way to be free is to stand up.

To rid yourself of all these hatred.

To learn to improve.

To learn to accept.

To learn that you, ultimately make the decision for your life and your happiness.

And that strength lies in your heart when you manage to take a small and slow step towards getting up, ridding yourself from those chains and masks and paint.

It'll take time.

But won't it be worth it?

To finally be free?

After all, we've all wanted this, but we've never really gained it because we're always wrapped underneath our consciousness and in the arms of society who gives us false freedom.

I suppose we can do nothing but stand.

And once we stand, we get rid of our enemies.

And once we release ourselves...

I suppose we can continue to make a difference in not just ourselves, but to others, to this vast world of excitement, cruelty, adventure.

~~~

Author's Note:

I suppose I hope you all can relate yourself to this because I believe that many of us feels this way and it's not just this.

We're all too easily manipulated and as a society as a whole, right now I can tell that there are many things we aren't happy about.

But if we try, we have to first embrace ourselves and learn to be free as an individual, can we hope to achieve freedom for the society as a whole.

Please vote, comment, feedback, suggestions, draw, talk, speak gibberish etc. :D

And, last but not least...

~You are amazing.

~You are awesome - because you are reading this, kidding, you are still awesome.

~You are phenomenal.

You are amazing in more than a million different ways.

~ Winter :D