Text Message (Rewriting)

02

It was raining outside.

After I had screamed last night, Tom seemed pretty shaken up. He saw what I saw. I wasn't crazy. But those eyes...they were haunting me. It was like a living nightmare, every corner of my house seemed too dangerous. My safe haven had been destroyed. I didn't say anything about this to my family, yet. I felt as if two eyes were following my every move, I was scared to share this with my family let alone the police.

Lazy night when I saw his eyes, it was like he was giving me a silent warning to never utter any words about him. And that's what I did. Tom and I had decided not to speak on this matter unless we were somewhere truly safe away from prying eyes and ears. I was sitting by the window and gazing out, the rain drizzled casting a spell on the sky causing it to look so heavenly and marvelous. The sky was drenched in darkness but so are most human souls.

I sighed, my mind going back to those eyes. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't focus on anything but that. I was scared, no, I was frightened. So utterly shocked and frightened. A shiver went through me, I held back my tears because I was sure that if I started I won't be able stop. I opened my phone in hope of distracting myself. My gaze fell upon a text message from my best friend Cathy.

Cathy: Omg! Did u die or something? Answer my texts!

Only she didn't know how close I was to dying.

Me: Nope, still alive and breathing.

And conversation just began. Cathy was the only person who knew my secret. No one else really knew it. No one.

I couldn't risk sharing that with anyone but Cathy. She understood what I felt and never did I receive an ounce of judgement from her. Her only response was - 'humans make mistakes, but the best ones learn from them.'

It was true that I had indeed learnt a lot from that...incident.

I don't like recalling it though, because sometimes it drives me crazy. It drives me insane.

I felt a tear prickling down my cheek, if only I hadn't done that, if only, if only, if onl-

I stopped my train of thoughts. Cathy always understood me and this is the main reason I stuck with her. No one really knew who I was at school. It was like I was invisible. People walk by me without a single glance, without a single 'hello' or 'how're you doing?' But that's ok because I have Cathy. But the thing is, she never asks because she always knows. I like that.

I sometimes wonder what would my life be right now if that one incident didn't take place. I would've been happy, I would've been...me.

Most of the time it's like I'm physically present but not mentally. My mind keeps going back to that incident which I regret so, so, so much. I felt more tears rush down my cheeks.

But now my mind keeps going back to those eyes...where have I seen them? Piercing blue eyes... a lot of people gave them here, so it could be anyone.

A clap of thunder roared to life outside, for a second I thought it was a gunshot, but when I opened my tightly shut eyes I saw streaks of lightning bolts slice through the air outside. It was terrifying but beautiful at the same time.

I realized that I might need to tell Cathy. But knowing this situation, I didn't know how I'd tell her. I pulled the curtains down and sat down on my table, setting the books in front of me. It was time to study.

I didn't particularly like studying but I knew I had to do it anyway to get good grades and so i did. Ever since that incident took place, I tried everything to distract myself; music, running, singling, anything! But none worked except studying. Studying became my solace and libraries my second home. I spent hours just studying because It helped me forget, and that was enough.

I did everything to maintain my perfect grades, Cathy and I mostly studied during our sleepovers because just like me, she was ambitious to get into the most prestigious university of our country. I hoped that my becoming s doctor, I might be able to reduce my suffering to some point.

I dreamt of getting my degree, smiles all over my face and just being happy. And this is exactly why I needed to protect and hide this secret forever because it would stain my reputation at school and then I'd never get into my dream university. I would be cast off, set aside from society and be labeled more than I am right now. Because of just one mistake, this one mistake which makes me loathe myself every. single. day.

I can't do this anymore...it's like I'm falling apart, falling into this never ending abyss.

Like I'm fading away, I'm losing myself.

Like I'm trapped in a cage and it's getting suffocating.

But it's alright, it always has been.

It will be ok, just count to ten...and keep repeating it till a thousand.

That's a lie, I know, I know. And it's like opening unhealed wounds and tearing them apart, because it hurts, it hurts because there's nothing I can do now.

I can't live with this secret. Memories flashed before my eyes, taking me by surprise. I could picture the place where it happen so, so, so vividly. It was like everything was happening once again, like I was in pain again. Because I was, I was.

The face of that little boy came before me, he had a whole life ahead of him, a whole future. But I destroyed it all; his present, his future so much so that he himself became a past, he was alive and now he's not.

Because I killed him.

• • •
Authors Note:
Hey! Hope you liked this chapter! I hope this wasn't triggering for anyone! If it was, I'm soo sorry.
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Bye!