I'm sorry [Kendall Jenner]

19: miracles

Nightmares do come true, and they happen a lot more than the dream thing, you know. Dreaming is easy, you can do it even awake, but nightmares... oh boy! Nightmares are scary.

Have you ever imagined finding the love of your life, now imagine you already found it and you've spent almost 3 years with that person, you've traveled and you've watched each other grow into the person they wanted to be the most.

But imagine now losing that person. Not only losing but never having the chance of being together again.

Yeah, that sounds bad.

Let me tell you about the last year of my life.

We were in the fashion month traveling from Paris to London to Milan and New York, not in that order specifically but you know.

But way before that, when things were perfect, I was with Valentina, my Val. She told me how they came with the idea of the name, and it results she was supposed to born on February 14th but her sister fell down the stairs and her mother delivered her 33 days earlier. They named it Valentina because of the date they planned and this story isn't making any sense.

I'm just trying to think of other things that don't involve the love of my entire life being in a coma and making the decision of unplugging her assisted life and only having the 10% of chances of her breathing on her own.

I adored her. Beyond words, I cannot explain the way she made me feel. She was... everything.

She made me feel like home, she was like finding a shelter in the middle of a storm, my safe place. She understood everything I was, and she never made me feel less.

She had bad things, but it doesn't seem to matter now, all I can think about is how much I loved her and how perfect she was for me. But time and life are things we can't deal with and we have to swallow our hopes because of fate, you can plan and program but destiny has other structures to build your life with. I know I don't make any sense; life doesn't actually has any sense right now.

I am a loser, because I have lost everything I thought I had. For months I suffered the disappearance of Val and those months I could have used to held her hand while she was rotting in a hospital bed. I should have been there. But no, I was trying to kill myself and I didn't know she was even like that. I guess my soul felt it before my mind knew it.

I wasn't sure of how to feel, I didn't know which pain was worse, if the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will, I couldn't actually process what happened. I didn't want to call "grief" to what I was feeling, but it was, it was more like love, all the love I culd no longer give to her, all the love I had inside with her name and no one else's.

Why? That was the question I asked myself constantly why? Why? Why?

I was dead inside. I couldn't feel a thing. But somehow I felt lucky, to have found a love that was so hard to say goodbye to, but I didn't want to say it. Goodbye meant new beginnings and I wasn't ready to start from page 1 again, at least not without her.

So you must understand why I'm I writing this, she didn't die. But somehow I felt something was not alright.

She opened her eyes as the "beep" started again, she was seating on a hospital bed with her eyes wide open as she struggled to breath, the nasal cannula was adorning her nose again, she had doubt written all over her face, fear, pain and sadness joined in.

"Hi" her mother whispered and hugged her, I stood back giving them the chance to reconnect with their daughter.

"Papi" she said caressing her dad's face whipping the tears of his cheeks.

"¿Que pasó? She asked I knew she was asking what happened.

The engaged in a Spanish conversation as I struggled to understand what were they talking about.

Her eyes filled with tears as she held Lucía and Emilia.

She looked at me and smiled, my heart started racing as I tried to stop myself to jump into her arms, the love of my life was there, smiling at me, I felt the luckiest person alive.

"Who are you?" she asked and my world crumbled down

Her parents looked at her incredulously.

"I'm no one" I said walking out the door

I asked for a miracle, and they gave it to me. The price I had to pay was that, she forgot who I was but at least she was alive.

I walked out the hospital knowing there was nothing I could do.