I Ain't Waiting For The World To Change

23. - Tie Me Down And Fuck Me Up

“Give me my money, woman,” Gena said and hold out her hand. Val grabbed in her pocket and I thought I saw 50 bucks changing her owner.

“You had a bet?” I asked and didn't know what to say.

“Who said it first,” Val asked interested. “Oh no, I won't tell you,” I said when I realized that they had another bet. Could this woman be crazier?

We stood a little bit in the kitchen and learned more about JB's new girl when spoken one came in and took her attention. It didn't take long for Matt and Zacky to find their women also, so I decided to search for Johnny. I left the kitchen and walked through the living room. As I didn't see him there I walked further and stood outside. I searched for him in the garden until I saw a figure at the back of the garden and was pretty sure it had to be Johnny. I walked nearer, but stopped, when I heard his voice.

“...sometimes I think it would be easier if I follow you, Jimmy. You left us here alone and disappeared, you disappeared forever. I think I can't handle this anymore,” he paused and I swallowed hard. This got Johnny's attention and he turned around. I saw the look of guilt in his eyes. I cleared my throat before speaking up. “You really meant what you said?” It took a while but finally he nodded.

“So, if that's what you think then don't bother your time spending with me. I have been through some of this shit and I can't handle it once more. I can't believe you're so selfish and don't think about the people who are here that love you. What about the guys? You want them to go through it again? Your brother? Your mother? ME? Really, I thought you were smarter, but I guess I was wrong again,” I said and I noticed that there were tears which almost escaped my eyes. He didn't say a thing. And I think this hurt the most – he didn't even try to explain something or told me I got him wrong. Nothing. “Okay, if that's what you really want then,” I said and turned around.  I walked through the garden and stepped on the street. On the outside were some people, but I managed to get past them without them noticing me.  I wasn't in the mood to talk to someone right now, I just wanted to be alone.

It hurt so much and I tried to hold back my tears – at least until I was home. But I failed. I tried avoiding the people who enjoyed their night and started their party on the street. I was glad my way wasn't that long. Finally I reached my more known apartment and walked through the halls until I arrived at my door. I fumbled in my pants and grabbed my key and quickly closed the door behind me. Now I couldn't hold the massive river which went down from my eyes. I slid down at the door and sobbed. I saw my dog peeking through the corridor and clapped my hands and he came towards me. He put his huge head in my lap and laid down. I petted him and sobbed. “I don't know, why he would say something stupid like that.” I told my dog and he raised his head and looked right into my eyes. “How can I face him now, after he said that? How should I be with him again on tour or even play in a band with him?” I asked desperately. Nap bent forward and pressed his wet nose against my lips and I chuckled lightly. “You won't turn against me, or?” I asked and pressed myself against his warm body.

I was sitting there until I couldn't feel my ass anymore. I got up and at that moment the fireworks outside started to explode. I could hear the people wishing the other ones a happy new year and I sighed. “Happy new year, Nap,” I said and bent down to press a kiss to his head while he pressed his nose against my thigh. “Come on, you've been a good boy,” I said and walked towards the kitchen and opened my cupboard and grabbed the tidbit for him. I gave him some and watched him, while he happily ate them. I grabbed my phone from my pants and looked at them, realizing no one had called me.

And there it was again, this feeling in my chest which kept me from breathing normally. Why didn't he even call me? Was this all a lie and he didn't mean what he had said to me yesterday? “Fuck you, Johnny,” I yelled and Nap jumped surprised by my loud voice. “I'm sorry,” I mumbled and walked towards my bedroom. I got out of my clothes, put my phone on the nightstand and crawled into my bed. Nap watched me from the door. “Come on, today you're allowed to sleep in my bed, big baby,” I said and scoot over. He walked towards me and breathed in my face when he laid down. “Okay, but don't breath in my direction,” I said and turned his head a bit.