I'll always love you

8

---Hamilton---

I stared helplessly at the lifeless body hanging from the ceiling, the body of my cousin. Yes, I hated him with the passion of my heart but not to the lengths that I would be pleased with his death. Besides, it was all my fault.

That morning before going to find John, we got into an unforgiving argument. My cousin demanded that I had to pay his rent, as if I could pay his rent! Obviously, I refused and he threw a punch at me. Usually, I would just accept the punch and forget about it but this time it was different; the punch felt like it was coming from a bored pursuer, as if my cousin was bored by me and the only way to amuse himself was to beat me and play with me as if I were a toy. Alexander Hamilton was no toy. Without thinking, I lashed out and slapped him "At least punch me with passion for god's sake!" I screamed at me cousin, he gave me a sickly laugh and punched be again, more energy this time. Falling back, I clenched my stomach he had punched in unimaginable pain. "I'm your cousin man! your family, how can you even think of putting family through this. How can you wake up and wish to physically and emotionally hurt your own family?!" My cousin seemed to twitch a little at the words pouring out of my mouth, like they hurt him somehow. All he replied with was, "Shut up." Me being me refused to take that as a suitable response. "Is that all you have to say. You have ruined my mind, my future. I get nightmares of you coming to get me, you killing me. 'Cause you could probably kill right, it's not like you have the heart or soul to stop yourself from loading that gun and firing it!" He faced me with tears welling in his eyes, "am I really that bad?" he questioned, frightened of my brand new strength in words. I scoffed a little before looking directly into his eyes. It was as if my eyes were burning through him, like I could see his heart beating rapidly. I never once thought that my cousin had a reason for all the abuse but everyone has secrets, so many secrets. Although I needed my cousin to know what damage he brought upon me, I was not going to hold back.

"You've left me with so many scars, my dear cousin." I pulled up my shirt a little, letting him view all the scars and bruises he caused. "These pain me, they hurt every morning and every night. I can't join in with fun things, just the other day my friends were going swimming but I couldn't go; they couldn't see all this. It's like you don't care what I've been through, my father left me, my own mother died and then my whole town, everything I knew was washed away from me. Do you know how much it hurts to know that the only family I have left hates me and is willing to hurt me?! But that's not all," I pulled down my jeans a little to show my hips and the disgusting red lines drawn on them. Self Harm scar. those three words are possibly the most devious words ever, to have them permanently written on you is sometimes too much. One day after arriving in New York, I had already had enough of my cousin so retreated to do some more painting on my hips. I did the usual little lines then I did something worse. I wrote an S and then an E, L, F, I considered going back to the little lines at this point but causing more pain enlightened me. I made a H and an A,R,M there was no stopping me now, S,C,A,R,S. Once I had finished marking my hips with those devious words, I broke down completely. Everyday I would have to see those words, Self Harm Scars, and everyday I would cringe at what I was capable to do to myself.

My cousin gasped as he read the three devious words written in faded red and pink. "All because of me?" he choked out and I nodded. "You know what cousin, my one wish is to live in a world without you." With that I got up and headed for the door, just as I closed the door I heard faint cries and "I'm so sorry, Alexander." My heart did break a little but I couldn't just forgive him, forgive him for all the pain he put me through.

And now here I was, I basically shouted at my cousin to go and kill himself and suddenly I'm staring at his dead body hanging from the ceiling. I looked around at John who was staring at my cousin, speechless. His attention turned to me and after registering the crushed look on my face, he wrapped me in a comforting hug and kissed my forehead gently.

"It's all my fault!" I sobbed out and he hugged me even tighter. "Shh, it's not darling, of course it's not."

But it was, I knew it was.

A/N gahhhh! I am unimaginably sorry for how late this update is and how short it is as well! The next will be long, I promise!